2016 Lift Off in 3..2..1..

     Well here we are! 2015 is just about to come to an end and I can whole heartedly say that it was one of the best years I've had thus far in my life. I could go on for hours and hours talking about all of the insane things that have happened, and how every month was completely different from each other in its own little way, but I'll just keep it to a minimum.
   First off, finishing off high school in 2015 was a huge deal! It's insane to think that one of the biggest, most remembered years of my life is ending. I looked forward to 2015 all of my adolescence, and I was always in awe at how far away it seemed to be. Although Kyle and I met and started dating in 2014, I feel that it was 2015 when I truly started to really fall in love with him. I remember a year ago today when the world was saying it's last goodbyes to 2014 I had absolutely no clue what would be in store for me. Especially after my dad passing, I've felt like a lot of aspects of my life have been pretty spontaneous because my whole entire life altered from what it was prior to him being ill. My house going up for sale, struggling with mental illness, and fighting my own demons are just a few of the many battles I fought this year that I didn't think I'd be winning. A few months ago I couldn't have cared less if I was here to see today, but now that I'm here, alive, happy, and healthy, i'm insanely glad that I am.
   From being at the beach more times than I want to count, to camping out in tents and cars with Kyle, to exploring Germany, Austria, and Switzerland all in 10 days, to creating insanely close bonds with long times friends, to nearly dying way too many times than I want to say, to really, really growing into the person I know I want to continue being forever, this year was insanity in a nutshell and I loved every second of it. I've learned a few things that I know carrying with me forever will be the smart thing to do. I've discovered to be as nice as I can to people, even if they're being totally rude back. I've realized that people are not the same as I am, and no two brains and hearts are alike. This helped me to get over the fact that people will not always say the right things, or the things I necessarily want to hear. And that's perfectly okay. This year I found my own little style and altered myself into the person I always wanted to be. 2015 was a year of self growth and realization to say the least.
   So, as 2016 is about to start up and you realize 2015 may have not been your ideal year, I 100% recommend you take this as an opportunity to change your life to how you want it. I know it's so much easier said than done, but if you know there are things in your life that you're itching to change, CHANGE THEM!!!! I'm so grateful for the friendships I have kept and gained, the new places I have been lucky enough to see, and the amazing experiences that have touched my heart and made me a better person. I have realized that whatever you give to the world will come straight back to you, and what flows back into your life, whether it be positivity or negativity, is completely up to you. 2015 was a big year of blogging, photography, and documenting and I couldn't be anymore grateful that I have these things to look back on and reflect. This was definitely the year that my passions took flight. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all my loved ones who made this year completely one of a kind. I'm so pumped to be going into 2016 with great friends, an incredible boyfriend, and a motivated head and heart. I have a lot of great ideas for this next year that I can't wait to put into action and show to the world. Get ready everyone!!!! Great things will be in store. I hope everyone has the happiest and safest New Years Eve they possibly can. Happy 2016 my loves!!!!!

"So...What DO You Eat?!?!"

Hey guys!!! I'm super happy to share that I've reached over 6,000 views on my blog which is kindaaaa crazy to hear when you're someone who's never really gotten much recognition for their writing before this. Recently I've been thinking about how grateful I am to have started this blog. From this I've made so many new connections and friends and have heard so much positive feedback, and I've also grown so much as a person myself since doing this. It's absolutely amazing how much power words have! They can make you feel a dozen different emotions you never even knew you were capable of having. So, I just wanted to start off by saying thank you to everyone who has continuously supported me through this and have motivated me to keep up with it. I'm kinda running out of ideas when it comes to what to write. I know over the summer I talked a lot about what I was doing because my life was constantly active, but now that winter's approaching, I could go food shopping and call it an exciting day. There are a few days a week where Kyle and I are motivated to go outside and do something, but most of the time this weather just doesn't seem to appeal to me. I must say though, December has been oddly warm thus far (GLOBAL WARMING?!??!!?) so that's been pretty sweet, besides ya know, the whole global warming part. Going back to food, I always have a lot of friends asking me what I eat since my diet is meat and dairy free. Every time I get this I wanna answer with a smart ass response like "anything without meat or dairy..duh".. but it's so true! I still pig out like everyone else, the process has just become a little more difficult. And now, I present you with a list of sweets and treats you probably had NO clue were vegan...

• Oreos (all flavors!!!)
• Most Duncan Hines cake mixes & frostings
• Ritz Crackers
• Strawberry Unfrosted Poptarts
• Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Brownie Mix
• Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars (peanut butter)
• Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
• Hershey's Chocolate Syrup
• Clif Bars (all flavors!!!)
• Cracker Jacks

And the list goes on!!!!Those are just a few examples of some not so healthy vegan foods, so to everyone who thinks there's no indulging while being a vegan, you are sooo wrong!! There are also soo many vegan friendly treats at stores like Trader Joe's (my personal fave), Whole Foods, and even a lot of normal grocery stores offer both vegan and organic foods. One thing I've learned is to ALWAYS read labels, because something you assumed to be vegan may not be and vice versa. A lot of people have asked what being a vegan even is, sooo let me clear that up for you. Being a vegan means no meat (obviously) or dairy products, so no milk, eggs, cheese, butter, or cream. I was a vegetarian for 2 years before becoming a vegan because a once steak-loving gal like me needed some time to adjust to a vegan diet rather than to just jump into it. A lot of you are probably REALLY wondering now, what DOES she eat?!?! Luckily for me and other vegans, there's a dairy free alternative for pretty much every dairy product out there! I use sweetened vanilla almond milk in place of milk and smart balance butter spread in place of butter. I still go to Dunkin about everyday and order a caramel iced coffee with almond milk. While baking, there are some interesting substitutes for eggs like applesauce (say whaaaa?!) or 1-1/2 tablespoons of vegetable oil mixed with 1-1/2 tablespoons of water and 1 teaspoon of baking powder per 1 egg. There are also other products that go against the vegan diet rules, such as honey, white sugar (only some), jello and jelly, and marshmallows. The gelatin in jello, jelly, and marshmallows is a collagen obtained from various animal by-products, which basically means mashed up skin, tendons, ligaments, and bones mostly from cows and pigs (EWWWWW). Gelatin is also in tons of shampoo and cosmetic products, which is why I choose to only use vegan friendly and non-animal tested hair products and cosmetics. These go a little more deeper into the whole diet set up and usually people do or don't eat those depending on how strict they are with being a vegan. I personally stay away from those products. But for all of those there are vegan brands to substitute which makes the vegan life sooo much easier than expected! Since becoming a vegan I've felt so much healthier and more energetic. I get protein from beans and greens like kale, spinach, and escarole and loads of vitamins from tons of fruit! Tofu is another incredible source of protein, and if cooked the right way, tastes AMAZING! You can throw it in just about any dish and give it any flavoring and it'll soak it right up. You definitely have to like cooking and have the time for it to be a vegan. Cooking wasn't always something I was too big on, but now that my meals require a little extra time spent in the kitchen I've learned to love it! I still go out to eat with friends and Kyle, but ordering at restaurants is a bit difficult. I mostly try to go to Moe's, Chipotle, and other Mexican food places because alternating the dishes into vegan friendly meals is super easy, ya just choose whatever fixings you want and leave out the cheese and sour cream. Sayville's very own Super Bowls is my lord and savior!! There are some awesome vegan friendly restaurants on the island like Tula Kitchen in Bayshore, Tiger Lily Cafe in Port Jeff, and Live Island Cafe in Huntington. For Kyle and I's one year anniversary he took us to a restaurant in Port Jeff called The Fifth Season which was helllla expensive but vegan friendly and beyond delicious! Saying goodbye to dairy foods cuts out so many unnecessary fats and calories from my diet. Being basically forced to turn down so many foods that the people around me eat has helped me to become a much more fit and in shape person. Earlier in the day I made vegetable & bean fajitas (as shown in my instagram post before the whole fajita part came into play), which I found the recipe for online on youtube while binge watching vegan recipe videos. I'm just gonna flat out say this was probably one of the BEST vegan dishes I've made yet by far. I would say it probably took me 15-20 minutes to cook from the beginning of the process to the end. If any of you are willing to try it out (and I honestly am begging you to because it was so damn good) this is what you'll need (depending on serving about 2 people I'd say):

• green, red, and yellow bell peppers (1 of each)
• 1 red onion
• 1 zucchini
• 1 bunch of scallions
• canola/olive oil
• medium size flour or corn tortillas (probably only 3 or 4)
• 1 can of Goya refried pinto beans
• lemon pepper
• salt
• pepper
• vegan (or not vegan depending on your diet) butter

Seems pretty easy, right?! That's because it ISSSS!! So first start off by washing off and chopping up the peppers, onion, and zucchini into small square pieces. After doing so, throw it all into a mixing bowl and toss in some oil, lemon pepper, salt, and pepper to taste. Once it's all mixed together, put the veggies onto a hot pan at a low/medium heat, and because there's already oil on the vegetables there's no need to put any oil or butter on the pan first. Let the vegetables sauté, and also take a moment to pause and smell how delicious the frying of the vegetables smell (mmmmm). While that's sautéing, chop up the scallions and throw them into the bowl that you used before. Once the vegetables are cooked to your liking, scrape them into the bowl where the scallions already are and mix 'em all together. You could use the stove to cook the beans, but I just put them in the microwave, so as those cook, put a separate pan on the stove at low heat and throw some butter on it and let it melt. Scoop out some of the mixed veggies onto the middle of the tortilla vertically as it lays flat. Put some spoonfuls of beans on top and fold the tortilla in half so it looks like a taco basically. Put the folded tortilla onto the pan and let it cook for 1 minute on each side to get a crispy and buttery tortilla! After removing the fajitas from the pan, definitely let them cool for a minute or so even though I know your taste buds will barely be able to handle the anticipation. So there ya have it, a perfect example of an easy, healthy, meat and dairy free meal! There are tons of thousands of amazing vegan recipes online so I would definitely recommend looking for some whether you are a vegan or not! If anyone was planning on getting me a Christmas present, vegan cookbooks are always welcomed!!! (wink wink Kyle). I try pretty hard to not force veganism onto people but I always do my best to at least motivate my friends to eat vegan once or twice a week! For the sake of all the animals out there and for your own body, going vegan definitely has its rewards!!

The Touchy Untouched Topic

   Within recent months I've started to learn so much more than I have basically all of high school. As most of you know, the last 2 or so years have been pretty rough for me to get through and the past couple of months have been especially difficult. For being so extremely common, I feel that mental illness is something that is rarely talked about, and when it is it isn't always taken as seriously as a physical illness would. It's no doubt that the mind and body are connected, and when one isn't feeling well the other balances out the negativity and trails along. Mental illness isn't something that should be tucked away into the darkness or swept under the rug as if it's just something that'll eventually go away after ignoring it for a while. I have realized a lot about myself recently and other people as well, and how reactions to mental illness can either make or break someone.
   For me personally, I began to realize that there was something "different" about my mentality once I began to have suicidal thoughts and view it as an escape more than anything else. I didn't have these thoughts because I was unhappy with my appearance or even so much my life in general. A big part of me had learned to accept that once my dad passed away my life was going to be extremely different from my friends' and a lot of other people around me. I sort of started to give up on things, and I think what really set me over the edge was my fear of tragedy. I felt that I could never bare to see another one of my loved ones become hurt or pass away. I started to become scared of life in general, as if everything would end in the worst case scenario and I would end up losing someone I loved again. I couldn't even think about how I'd possibly ever manage to survive losing someone ever again after losing my dad, so suicide started to look more appealing. It was like an escape plan, sort of like running away from home except it was much more severe. And sadly enough to say, I didn't mind the thoughts being there really. Sometimes I felt that I deserved to feel so down (for whatever reason) and that I was never meant to feel genuine happiness ever again. This is when I knew something was seriously, dangerously wrong and things would become ugly pretty fast if actions weren't taken. In today's time, just a few months later, I am doing exceptionally better. After reaching out to professional help, which I absolutely REFUSED to do at first, I've seen so many positive impacts in my life. Mental illness is constantly looking for prey to attack and will pounce when you are at your weakest. Sometimes it still chooses to make that surprise attack on me, and there's really no avoiding it but i'm glad that I've grown the courage to not only face the issue but trust my problems with a professional.
   While going through this time of my life I've realized that people's reactions can often make things worse. It's not so much that they don't care or don't want to help, but often that they just don't know the right thing to say; and more than most likely in certain situations, there isn't a right thing to say. As my dad was passing away and after it happened, I felt so much support from friends and peers and even people who I had never talked to, and as the tragedy became old news, I saw more people care less and less about the situation. I took this so personally and couldn't help but think that first off, these people weren't actually my friends, and second off, they were supportive for the mere fact of feeling like better people. Although these analogies could be 100% true, I never really took the time to think about how maybe they did not even think to check up on me or continue being supportive simply because their minds didn't think to do so being that they hadn't been in my place. It can be really hard being friends with people who haven't gone through the same things you have because they may just be unaware of how to act. And it's not even necessarily their fault, they just don't know how it feels to be in someone else's shoes or don't take a moment to look at the situation from the opposing perspective. Hearing things like "stay strong" or "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" always pissed me off so bad, and still kind of does. I became so bitter over not hearing my loved ones say what I wanted them to say, and that helped ruin me along with the mental illness tearing me down. I just want to let anyone know who is reading this, if you can relate to anything I've said so far whether it be viewing suicide as an escape or feeling angry towards peoples reactions, it is 100% normal!! Our emotions as humans are completely unavoidable pretty much, and anyone who tells you that you are selfish or sound like an idiot for feeling this way is pretty much clueless on the human mind to say the least. A person who is suffering from a mental disease thinks irrationally and illogically, which is why it's even called a mental disease in the first place. Unfortunately, these irrational and illogical thoughts make sense in the mind of someone who is depressed. It is crucial to know that not only are you never alone while feeling like this, but you are not the only one in the world who has these thoughts, and it is not weird, unnatural, or something to be embarrassed of.
   So, to all of my friends out there reading this, I hope I've been able to educate you further from both sides of the situation. If you have a loved one suffering from these sort of problems, the most effective way to help is to understand and comfort rather than making them feel like they're out of their minds. And for those of you who are on the other side of the fence and have had or currently have similar feelings as I do, I'm cheering you on with everything I have to keep on moving forward.

Don't Eat The Turkey!!!!

   So, I should probably start off by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! I've always loved Thanksgiving because first of all, THE FOOD, but second, I love seeing my family gather around and be kind and happy, even if all of the members aren't physically there. I understand how difficult this time of year can be, or how overwhelmingly happy it can be. It's honestly a hit or miss a majority of the time. Money gets tight with buying others presents and sometimes everything can just get really, really stressful, and for me personally having overplayed Christmas music constantly blasting in my ears doesn't always help. Call me a Scrooge all you will, I just can see the point of view where Christmas isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I'm trying to not let these negative feelings get the best of me, and I hope I can do my best to get through the holiday season!!
   For those of you out there who are celebrating the holiday season without their loved ones for whatever reason, I'm hoping that you try to your best ability to find the brightest light in the situation. I'm starting to finally understand why the holiday season can become depressing pretty damn fast. I woke up this morning playing my dad's voice over and over again in my head. It's like I have him saying "Happy Thanksgiving!!" down pat in my mind. I didn't really start feeling the weight of the holidays until his loss, and boy, do I have to say it truly is difficult. I know today I'll be thinking about him a lot and imagining what life would be like if he were still here. I'll alsoooo be eating lots and lots of delish vegan Thanksgiving food! (Give Turkeys a reason to be thankful and don't eat 'em! They're very intelligent creatures who don't deserve to be the center of a dinner table!)
   Last year's Thankgiving was the first time Kyle ever said 'I love you' to me and I'm more than happy to be able to say that the feelings have stayed just the same. I love having him around this time of year, because with his support and love just about any bad or sad situation can become better. Tell all of your loved ones just how much you love and appreciate them today and everyday! I promise you there are only limited amount of times you can share your feelings with someone before time is up, so don't be ashamed or scared to. Both kindness and genuine love go miles and miles far, especially during the holiday season. I hope you all enjoy today and make the best out of it despite the situation you may be in. I know it might be difficult but there are people out there, like me, who understand your feelings and are rooting for you to smile. Working at a grocery store for the past 2 years has been the biggest headache of my life, but this past week working there has made me a little more grateful for the human population. Wishing each customer a Happy Thanksgiving at the end of each transaction brought both big and somewhat surprised smiles to their faces. Even with all of the baggage I'm feeling in my life at the moment, I'm doing my best to pay kindness forward to people. I hope this gives some of you that 'push' to do the same! Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends out there! Eat lots of [animal free ;)] food this Thanksgiving!! I am sooo very thankful for all the people who take the time to read these and give me positive feedback. Enjoy your day everyone!

Milestones and Cool Art

   The past week or so has been filled with good energy. Being that last weekend was Halloween, Kyle and I decided to dress up as Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain only to already knock out on my couch before it even reached 12 AM. I'm starting to really embrace what autumn is all about, and this time of year holds a lot of my heart. From my dad's birthday being on October 24th, to Halloween (which was his favorite holiday) it's been pretty hard to not get caught up in my emotions. With all of the chaos of my house being on the market it's become a little more difficult to find the calmness in me, which is something I need to work on.
   A few days ago (November 5th) was at last, me and Kyle's one year anniversary!! I know everyone always says "it doesn't even feel like it's been one year!!!!" and as commonly said as it is, it's totally true. I can't really decide if it's felt like just a few months or years being his girlfriend. It feels great to know that we've been together for a year and have already made as close of a bond as we have. If I could explain how incredible our relationship is I would have no clue where to start. I could begin with how down to earth and caring Kyle is or how attracted I am to him, but even those don't even explain the half of it. Our relationship thrives off of something much deeper and bigger than the both of us, and I have no clue where the fire in our hearts for each other lives but I know it is there. The only logical explanation for this feeling it that it truly was just meant to be for us. All of the moments we've shared together are so unique and like nothing I've ever heard before. Big changes are going to be made sooner or later as the two of us mature. We have grown up so much since we first started dating and I can only imagine where we will be in our lives a year from now. I'm looking so forward to every memory we'll make in this upcoming year, and I know that they'll all make great stories to tell one day.
   Last night (November 7th) Kyle and I, along with dozens of handfuls of others, headed over to Patchogue at Sketchbook Studio to look at some of a local artists' work. Allie Hallock, an INCREDIBLY talented artist drew a picture of Kyle and I that I believe I'll always carry with me in my mind. All of her work was so beautifully done with the perfect amount of color and I couldn't be any happier for her that she's getting the attention that she deserves. If you're interested in checking her out I 100% recommend it. Her instagram page is @alexandrahallock, and trust me when I say that you'll be astonished when you see such talent coming from this girl. People like her give me more hope for what our generations' future holds. While at the art show it almost felt like my dad was with me in some sense being that he was an artist. It instantly brought me back to the time of my life when he was still alive and making art, and how close he held all of his work to his heart. The past few days have been totally great, and although there are still a few bumps in the road I'm trying my best to get back to myself again to say the least. I also finally went to the beach earlier during the day yesterday which definitely helped me to feel a little more balanced and at peace with my life. I'm hoping and praying that November is kind to me and brings me the happiness that I need in my life.

Did Ya Miss Me?

   I'M BACK!!!!! Finally after a little over a month of trying to match puzzle pieces together, I've managed to gather myself back together and start becoming 'me' again. This past month itself has been a journey in its own for me. It doesn't even feel like it's only been a month, it feels sooo much longer. For a while I felt like I was just stuck in time, and like there was no moving forward. I felt so stuck while everyone else around me seemed to easily move freely. I really wouldn't know where to start if I was to spill the beans on everything that's been going on. But what matters is that I'm back and finally starting to feel myself and enjoy the things that I love again. Today I went to the mall and smiled at people for no reason, which is something I haven't done in a while because bitterness swept over my body. Everyday I put another piece of the jigsaw together to create a big picture. I decided to start talking to a counselor, and for someone who has been against that whole career field since like, 2014, I've been loving it so far. It's weird to tell a stranger all of my feelings and even though she doesn't really know me, she knows exactly what I mean. I've been focusing on myself and my loved ones, and things are finally starting to make sense again. I'm also a vegan now!!! I love it so, so much. It's opened me to all new types of foods and I actually love cooking now. There's no greater feeling for me personally than knowing that my diet consists of all animal-free foods. Also, for a while I was freaking out about my major (english education) and my english class because I was like "am I really cut out for this?!?!", but I adore my english class to say the least, and I feel like such a nerd but I love it. It's getting me so excited for my future.
   October has been huge. My house went up for sale, which you can imagine I thought was the end of the world at first. Just like a lot of things that have happened in my life, things that seem dreadful at first turn out to not be so bad. I'm happy that I took this month to let myself be sad when I needed to, because with busy schedules and constantly running around a lot of people seem to forget about how they're feeling and to express those emotions. I gave myself the time to cry and I didn't get mad at myself for it, which is a big step up. I've come to peace with the fact that my life is a lot different from my friends' and other people around me, and as terrible as it feels it's not so bad. I've also learned the importance, and I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, that anyone who tells you to not be sad because other people have it worse are totally wrong in every way. With every fiber of your being you have the right to be sad, happy, angry, whatever. No matter what the situation is, even if you think it's something "dumb" to be upset over, don't let other people hold you back with this false statement that "privileged" people can't be sad about their lives. Getting through this past month or so was pretty rough, and at times I really, really didn't think I could handle the weight of the world, but sure enough I made it out of the vortex and am getting back on my feet. I'm so happy to be doing this again. A part of me regrets not blogging even when I was upset about things, but truthfully, the passion wasn't there at the time. All I can really say now is that it's time to move forward and get back on track to speaking out about these types of things. It feels gooood to be back!!

A Turning Point

   Things haven't been all that greatly. I haven't been myself, and it sucks. It seems that the stress of school and just life in general has taken its toll on me. It's hard to be so god damn upset with your life, but not really knowing what to do because there are so many people you don't want to let down. When I'm happy, i'm the most energetic, lively girl in the world. But when life hurts me in someway, all other aspects of myself seem to go down the drain for a little bit. I'm definitely in a funk, and from time to time it scares not only me, but the people around me. It's tough to not let the world beat you down when you're not feeling confident in what's happening in your life. A few days ago I was thinking about deleting this blog entirely, and giving up on everything. Nothing really seemed interesting to me anymore. Even my greatest passions seemed to turn black and white. I hate that so many of my friends look to me as the strong, positive person, because sometimes I just can't live up to that. I get so into my emotions that it physically pains me, and really does some damage to my body. Sadness is definitely a dangerous disease to us. I truly wish I could be in a more peaceful state of mind right now. No one wants to feel like they don't belong where they currently are, or like things in their life don't feel right. I sometimes think to myself that I have been waiting for things to get better for years now; that I claim things are great but are they really? I know, deep down, there's a part of me that is always hurting. Recently I've been constantly thinking about my dad, what could have been and what actually happened. I keep wondering about when things will start to become clearer. They say everything happens for a reason but I see no valuable reason for why life has been so harsh to me. Who even is "they" anyways? I sat in my car for about 2 hours last week in between classes and just cried my eyes out. I started to think that things just don't get better, and that I have lied to so many people by saying that life always unfolds beautifully and comes together in the end. I still don't know if I've changed my mind about that thought.
   Life is so confusing, we as humans are such difficult creatures. We have so many god damn feelings and burdens, so many responsibilities, standards, and labels. Our lives consist of so much damage that it nearly amazes me that any soul could survive it. I wish I had more answers to my questions than I do. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am merely a human being, and life is not handed on a silver platter. If there's anyone to thank for keeping me stable and sane, it is Kyle. He has done more for me these past few weeks than anyone else ever has in my lifetime. He doesn't see my broken past or my sadness as a nuisance or disturbance, and that alone means everything to me. I feel like I can give great advice to anyone around me on the next step to take, but when I turn around and open my palms to look down at my own problems, I become paralyzed. This is definitely a turning point for me. I am in pain but this will pass, i'm hoping. I wish nothing more than to get back on my feet soon and return to the Maddy I know i'm supposed to be. I promise not to give up just yet.

College Gurl

  Approaching my third week as a college gal already and I can truthfully say i'm lovin' it! I can already feel myself growing up a little more. I was a little frustrated for a few days because although i'm extremely glad I stayed home, it's sometimes a little difficult wanting to feel mature in an "immature environment" like the home you've been in all of your life. So my emotions were mixed while transitioning into the new feel of college, but luckily for me my mom is extremely understanding and always willing to listen to me. Many of you probably know that I cherish my bedroom more than just about anything in the world. You walk in and instantly know the type of person I am. And I definitely wouldn't trade it for a dorm room. But my mom said that we can begin to renovate my unfinished and quite frankly scary and smelly basement into a bedroom for me which i'm super excited about!! It's something new and fresh, which might be exactly what I need. Redecorating and cleaning are just a few of my guilty pleasures so i'm looking very forward to this new project.
  I got shunned quite a bit for staying home for college when I said that one of the main reasons was for Kyle. People and friends repeatedly told me don't stay home for college just because of a boy. Being me, I decided to tune out anyones opinion but my own. After all, if I would've ended up going away because I listened to everyone, they're not the ones who would feel homesick once I left. So I left my decision completely up to me and came to the realization that wherever you believe that you'll be most comfortable, happy, and mentally healthy is where you should stay. I know that if I was to go off of Long Island I would not only miss Kyle and my family and friends staying at home, but I would miss the beach and all of my favorite restaurants and having the freedom of driving around and still keeping a job. It truly is all of the little things that come together and make my life as enjoyable as it is. Going away to school in a brand new town just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. They say that only the kids who go away get to experience new things, which is totally untrue. I just spent my weekend camping out on the beach which is something I haven't done in a while. Someone staying in their hometown doesn't diminish the amount of fun they have whatsoever. So I'm content with my decision to say the least.
   Initially, I had thought that staying home would be the best idea because Kyle and I would be able to continue our tightly knitted relationship and step into the next chapter of our lives together. I could never even begin to explain how difficult and heart wrenching it'd be to go long periods of time without being able to see him. Me studying to become an english teacher and him beginning his career as an electrician is something that I wanted to experience together, not from miles apart. It'd be It'd be pretty tough knowing that Kyle is starting his career here on the island and I wouldn't be able to stand from the sidelines and cheer him on. It's most important to stick to whatever makes you feel radiant and carefree, so that's exactly what I did.
   Here are some photos Kyle took of me while at the beach yesterday. Besides the fact of being creeped out by some old couple staring at me while taking these, I feel like I truly look the happiest i've looked in a while in these shots. Pretty sure Kyle has improved his picture taking skills as well, which makes me even happier!

Bad Girl Gone Good

   So as I was driving to work earlier today (I probably should've been more focused on driving but whatever) I got into a really deep thought about how much I've changed as a person from last summer around this time to now. For so much of high school I was so anxious and terrified to live. For me everything was always worst case scenario, and it held me back from doing a lot of things I should've. I would cry at the thought of driving and having to navigate a car, and being that it was always one of my biggest fears I got my permit and license a year later than most of my friends. Things like that strapped me down and kept me away from the potential that I had. Last summer I decided to not be the "scared girl" anymore. I was so sick of hearing "stop being so scared, Maddy" or "live a little!!!". For my first half of high school I was able to hold down a relationship with a boy that I very much believe I loved at the time, but I was also 15-nearly 17. It was difficult, trying to keep such a mature thing in your life at a young age. I could've sworn it was love, and there's a big possibility that it was, but a very premature one at that. But it familiarized me with the opposite sex and was one thing that I had confidence in. I knew I could keep a conversation flowing easily with a guy, which is something a lot of my girl friends struggled with and would come to me for advice with. I'd always get the infamous question "what do I even say back to him?!?!", and somehow I always had an answer. I took that to my greatest advantage once I became single and when I also tried my hardest to not be such a "scaredy cat". I went through guys easily, knowing that I wanted love and intimacy but never being able to experience it with the right guy. I looked for love in places I knew deep down I wouldn't find it, but I still persistently searched and searched. I've definitely made some poor decisions in my past as a teenager. I can recall last summer as "one big blur". I made a fair amount of mistakes and hid a lot from my loved ones, mostly because I just didn't want them to be concerned. Typically, not many teenagers, or people in general for that matter, go straight up to the people they know care about them and say "hey, I've made some pretty poor choices and are still continuing to make them; let me tell you all about them". It's just how it goes, we want to protect the ones we love from being worried about us, and knowing that you've disappointed them definitely makes its way into the "top 5 worst feelings" category. We're human, it's cool. We do stupid shit every so often. But I started to use that excuse more than usual. It turned into an everyday thing that i'd say "whatever, i'm just a teenager", but that excuse only justifies so much for so long, and when I looked at the big picture, "every so often" warped itself into everyday. So, I made my dumb mistakes. I hid things and snuck around and showed immaturity in its clearest and purest form. I told myself everyday that it wasn't because my dad was sick and I just wanted to have fun. I still don't really believe it was solely because of what had been happening with my dad but maybe someday i'll wake up someday and realize it was. Or maybe I already have. Am I contradicting myself??
   Last summer I dyed my hair red and really tried to play off the "bad girl" look. I really tried my hardest to look super tough and fearful of nothing. Maybe I was terrified out of my mind and I just didn't want to show it. Wear whatever you want and if you think you look good, you look good. But how I presented myself was just trashy. There's no sugar coating it. I just had a really bad image to people who didn't know me. I did everything and anything I wanted and knew no one could stop me. I knew a lot of my friends were concerned but didn't want to be a buzzkill. I ruined myself in a lot of ways I should've never even gotten myself into. I wanted to be fearless, but in the scheme of things not being frightened by anything is what kills you. It's that small gut feeling or that annoying, frequent voice in your head telling you to go right instead of left; that's what keeps you alive.
   I guess you could call it my "rough phase" of high school, and indeed it was exactly that. And looking back, all I can say to myself it "...what??". Somewhere down the road within this past year I changed my ways because, well, who would ever want to live that way? I'm back to being that anxious, nervous girl but I've learned how to ignore the bothersome thoughts a little easier. It's pretty easy to be careless and incautious, and I could swear to you for a while you'll feel like you're having the time of your life and you wont want to live any other way. But it gets old, and eventually it hits you that being stupid with your actions brings you no where but down. I lost myself for a little bit and was mistaken that that was who I was really supposed to be. I would always say in my thoughts "why didn't I turn into this sooner?!". Then reality smacked me straight in the face and I got a grip, picked up what was important in my life, moved on and left behind anything toxic. I'm happy to be in the place that i'm at, and this time I hope it's not just a phase. Be careful and mindful of your actions, don't get too ahead of yourself, and take it from someone who has fell for what felt like millions of feet till they crashed onto rock bottom, getting yourself into danger for the thrill of it is as uncool as it gets.

Summer Has Come and Passed

   I'm so sad to say that my summer has just about come to an end. With all of its adventure and romance, this truly has been the best one to experience yet. I wrapped up my summer by going out to Montauk for a few days with my mom, sister, and Kyle. They were some of the greatest days I've had this summer to say the least. Between being introduced to the new, delicious foods out there and getting sprawled out on the beach with Kyle next to me, I had the time of my life. I swore to Kyle that we'll live there before we die.
   The first night there, the 4 of us went to the beach to watch a drum circle. Just when I thought I've seen everything! It was entertaining for a certain amount of time before both Kyle and I's exhaustion caught up to us. The next day was spent at the beach (obviously), followed with dinner at now one of my favorite restaurants on the island, Gigshack. Sooo worth the money and the energy of the place made me wanna get up and dance! Later that night Kyle and I laid on the beach and accidentally fell asleep and woke up sometime during the night totally confused.
   There's really no way to describe what this summer meant to me. It was too unique to really wrap up into words. I learned much and changed for the better, and I've never felt so refreshed and renewed in my entire life. I'm glad that I surrounded myself with the company I had these past few months, and seeing my loved ones "live in the moment" made me feel all the more better. What I've learned more than just about anything this summer is what love is really all about. From falling in love with Kyle all over again every time I saw him come out of the ocean after surfing, to spending time with my best friends as much as I could until they left for college, I experienced intimacy and endearment in its purest form. I've learned to love things with all of my heart as much as I possibly can, because not only does it make you feel alive, but everyone around you as well. The love you pour into the world will radiate and reflect right back onto you. By loving others around me, I have discovered how to love myself. I accomplished exactly what I wanted to this summer, which was to just "be" and coexist. I had a few downfalls throughout the months and doubted myself and my life here and there, and really thought long and hard about if I was leading myself in the right direction into adulthood. Sure enough I was able to pick myself back up every time and gain faith in my mission here on earth. I know exactly what I want to do with my life and am determined to follow through with it.
   Although i'll miss the alluring feel that Long Island summers bring, i'm trying my hardest to become excited for autumn and the seasons to follow! After all, summer will return soon enough! I have many plans for the end of 2015 and 2016 and so many goals I will try my hardest to accomplish. I could never ever forget this summer. I will forever be grateful for the unique and loving people in my life and the handfuls of incredible humans that I've crossed paths with within the last few months. As I leave this summer behind me and pack it away into my mind, I hope more than anything that I have reached out to a few people. And now to start a new adventure; college! Here goes nothin'...

Maddy & Kyle vs. Wild

   Out of complete spontaneity, Kyle and I decided to pack up some bags and take a trip out to a camp ground on the north shore. We chose the same park as the one we and our friends had used for camping after graduation. We left my house pretty early. Kyle told me to get up at 7 AM which is usually always around the time that we get up when we have plans to do things like this. I packed more clothes than I needed and definitely made sure there were enough capri suns in the cooler to get us through. I made 2 egg sandwiches for us, courtesy of Kyle for teaching me how to cook them in the first place. We loaded up the car and we were off. As soon as we started driving, good music was instantly blasting and all of the windows were down. One of the things I love most about doing these types of things, or anything really for that matter with Kyle is that it's never boring. Everything always feels exciting and he's always keeping me on my toes. I don't think I could ever get tired of him even if I wanted to.
   We headed out to Orient Point, which is basically like "the Montauk of the North Shore" in Kyle's words. The drive itself out there was incredible. I'm so used to being at the ocean that I forget how many farms and open grasslands are on LI as well. It gives you a totally different feel of the island. I couldn't get over how great it felt to basically be submerged in fields of grass and flowers. We took a road into Orient and all of a sudden there was a street sign saying that the road was going to end, so we parked, got out of the car, and walked along the shore to the very tip where the water met the land instead of finding another road to get to it. We got to the very point and sat on the rocks. In front of us was a short, stubby lighthouse sitting on top of a rock in the middle of the water. We set up the self timer on my camera and took a picture of us looking really goofy and especially touristy (yes, we're those people).

   When leaving Orient, we decided to look for somewhere to eat. I'm not really familiar at all with that part of the island so we agreed to just drive in the direction to Wildwood until we found something. It was around noon by then, and since Kyle loves to use Siri, he started talking into his phone asking about breakfast and lunch restaurants near us. In the middle of his sentence, we passed an adorable looking restaurant on our left that literally said "Breakfast and Lunch" on the sign. We made a U-turn and parked into the restaurants parking lot and when I tell you that it was the cutest little place I've ever seen, I mean it. The place is called Erik's and from the help of Snapchat's geotags it said that we were in Southold. Everything was priced pretty fairly and the whole atmosphere just felt so welcoming. So, if you're ever anywhere around there whether it be Southold or Greenport or anywhere else remotely close, I highly recommend going!! We ordered our food at the front and then got to choose where we wanted to sit and got our meals served to us. We sat out on the covered porch that had vines of flowers surrounding the whole deck and precious little succulents in pots at each table. I instantly fell in love with the place and the food was amazing. The waiter was super friendly and I overheard him telling another customer that mostly all of the products they use are local. It's awesome to think that the island can produce so much. Driving past there and coming across it was a complete coincidence, but i'm so glad we found it!!

   We started to head over to the camp around 1 PM and while driving down a long road I looked to my left and saw my absolute dream house. After passing it I thought about it for a good couple of seconds and asked Kyle if he could turn the car around just because I needed to get a few pictures of it so God damn bad. You can't tell from any of the pictures I got, but behind the house was an incredible view of the Sound. I can only imagine how awesome it must be to live there. Just thought I'd share that part of the trip as well!! (p.s. hope no one thinks i'm creepy for taking these haha..but if you do I really don't care)

   Just a little warning for anyone who plans to camp at Wildwood, you need a 21 year old (or older) to sign you in so you're able to camp!! Kyle's mom was a real trooper and came out to sign us up. I love Kyle's mom and the type of woman she is. She's loving and is so genuine in the words she speaks. I've never doubted the advice she's given me and she especially makes me realize where Kyle gets his whole heartedness from. Kyle and I picked out E29 as our campground, mostly because we were in that area the last time we camped there and although it's a bit of a more confusing drive, it's the section that's farthest away from all of the other ones so that's always nice. To camp for 2 nights or more you have to call up and make reservations or do it online. Since we were only staying one night, we just had to show up and you book a site right there on the spot. We got to our camp site and Kyle instantly started setting up the tent. When we were mostly settled in we went to the beach that's next to the camp but doesn't belong to it. So basically that means you don't have to be camping at Wildwood to go to the beach. We went into the water and used to swimming mask I brought and looked like total nerds diving into the water and looking at all of the tiny fishes swimming at the bottom near our feet. Don't get me wrong, I love the North Shore and how beautiful and calm it is, but i'll always have a special place in my heart for the south shore and its waves and exciting feel. It was awesome just hanging out and knowing that we had no responsibilities for the next 24 hours. It was like our own little getaway for a while. Kyle led me through this trail he'd taken once before that took us to an overlook of the Sound. It looked completely different and so much bigger from a higher level than how it looks when you're sitting on the sand near the shore. Looking at all of the blue water and just taking in all of the naturalness of it was something nothing else can really beat. Most people don't realize that living on LI may be the most beautiful scenery they encounter for the rest of their lives. There's so much raw beauty surrounding us on this island that it's nearly insane. I feel bad for the people who don't take their time adventuring just some of the cracks and crevasses of this place and discover what living here is truly all about. Sitting by the fire once it got darker outside and just enjoying each others company was the best part. It's awesome to have the person you laugh until you cry with be the same person that you kiss goodnight. I never have to try to be anyone i'm not, or even try for that matter. I'm completely myself around Kyle and to know that he loves me for who I am is the greatest gift I could ever receive. Doing things like this with him makes me realize that I have someone who is truly just so special. Kyle is the type of guy that any girl would be lucky to have, and the fact that he's mine sometimes makes me stop in my tracks for a bit and just go over again and again in my head how I managed to win so big. It's no question at all that Kyle and I were meant to be together to do spontaneous things like this and make each others lives a little more exciting. Loving him is always the easiest thing to do. Considering Kyle is so good in the outdoors and is able to always make me feel safe, we'll definitely start making this more of a tradition i'm sure. The only thing we have to remember to not do next time is leaving our food out on the picnic table, considering we woke up to wrappers and empty boxes all over the place. Being able to experience something like this was once beyond my wildest dreams. I really never thought I'd have such a lively relationship at my age. The photos only capture half of the beauty that it was, the rest of it was something you just have to feel for yourself in person.

   

      Of course the next day (which is today) after cleaning up and leaving the camp ground we just had to drive over to Robert Moses. Before going to the beach, Kyle and I usually always go to the deli and get breakfast. Let's be real here, deciding between a bagel and an egg sandwich is one of the ultimate struggles that all Long Islanders face. I started to get some really awful sunburn on my face that would burn and peel just to get burnt again and that went on for mostly all of summer. I decided to take a break from the beach for a week to let my skin recover. Doesn't seem that long to some people, but to me a week away from the beach feels like a year. Considering having sun withdrawals and what appears in my eyes as pale skin, it felt amazing to be near the ocean again. Overall these past 2 days were some of the best I've had all summer, and that's saying quite a lot keeping in mind that his has been my favorite summer yet. And I'm especially glad that I've been able to document some of the highlights and share my experiences through this blog. After the past couple of events that have taken place I can definitely say that life is good.

Dreams of Being Published

   I've been thinking a lot recently about what it would've been like to have grown up anywhere besides here. Nothing about my life would be what it is now. My experiences, my memories, all of the faces i'm familiar with...everything would be completely different. I'm one of the lucky people who loved growing up where they did, and so much that I never want to move away. As much as I want to travel and see new things, I hope to always call Long Island my home base. While driving around on a normal day I point particular areas out and can recall a great memory that happened there, or maybe a not so great one. The love and strength I have embraced from being raised on LI are aspects of me that I try to shed light on in my everyday life. I'm so very passionate about where I live and I think that's what makes me so content with my life. Fulfillment begins with your surroundings. If you're not comfortable with where you are, not many things in your life will feel right. Throughout the course of 2015 I thought I was obligated to go away to college because, well, all of my friends were so why not? I thought I was doing what would make me happy, but all of a sudden I came to the realization that there's no way I'd be able to survive happily anywhere else but where I am right now. That's when I started to focus on how I could make life as a stay at home college student on LI way more interesting than anyone has ever seen.
   As you can probably tell i'm super into getting my thoughts and words out into the public. My big plan is to hopefully launch a life style magazine about LI and not only my life, but other lives that I come across as well. I would like to travel all around the island while picking up stories from individuals who have some interesting tales to tell. With beginning a project like this comes a lot of stress with money funds sooo I haven't really figured all of that out yet but i'm getting there. I'm super excited for these big dreams to hopefully take off sometime within the next year. I plan to give away copies for free at first and then continue on from there with the money situation. It's all still just a glisten in my eye but i'm definitely brain storming. I'm totally excited for this big step i'm about to take!

9 Months Say Whaaat?

   Due to being so caught up in summer lately, I really haven't had the chance to post too much. But i'm always thinking of words in my head to say for the next time I do! I've been running around a lot lately with a lot of chaos in my life but I'm enjoying it completely. Kyle finally got a new car that he worked to buy all by himself. The 2002 Subaru Forester was running awesome until he and I were driving it on Sunrise Highway and started to see smoke coming from the back. OF COUUURSE this would happen like a week after getting it. The car passed inspection so I really didn't understand what could've been wrong. His dad came to our rescue and checked it out, I also got to take a back seat ride in his Ford Bronco which was totally sick.
   In other awesome news, today's 9 months Kyle and I have been together! It's been quite the ride, doing all of the crazy things we've done. I remember when we first started getting to know each other this past October, I had already been in past relationships and spent just about all of high school being with a guy. So meeting Kyle didn't scare me at all. I thought I had it all down and I had nothing to be nervous about because I knew what I was doing. But once we started to hangout, I felt butterflies in my stomach just about every second. My mind was racing and I had the constant thought to "play it cool", whatever that means. For the first time I was actually anxious about a guy, and it didn't make any sense to me. The first time we hung out he put his hand on my lap and my head started spinning as I said to myself in my thoughts "he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't like me!!!". That same night we walked around and talked about so many things. Looking back, I feel like I wasn't able to keep my mouth shut. I can't remember whether I was that nervous or if I was just so excited to tell him about my life. Probably a little bit of both. We sat at a playground and both looked up at the sky, and when we started to talk about the stars I knew right in that moment that this person was about to change my life. And he did.
   To me, love is all about understanding. It's about listening to opposite opinions even when you don't agree and not only loving that person for who they are, but accepting them for what they aren't. It's definitely not always sunshine and rainbows being in a relationship, especially if you're in love with them. That doesn't seem to make much sense, but when you're with someone who you whole-heartedly love and the odds are sometimes against you, things can get difficult pretty easily. Sometimes I tell myself that Kyle doesn't actually love me as much as he claims to and I start to feel really down on myself. I think about how easy it might be for him to find someone else who can fit him better than I can. All of these feelings are perfectly normal. It's hard to not feel like you're in a competition when you have an opponent count of 7,125 billion. Even with all of the reassurance in the world it can be tough to shake those thoughts. Sometimes love is really, really hard. Once in a while it's hard to listen to those opinions you don't quite agree with, or understand that when it comes down to it, you can't change a person. But I guess when you're willing to hold onto that person for forever, it's always worth it.
   Kyle is totally different from any other guy I've ever met. He completely changed the game. If there's ever another girl walking past him, he always looks back to me, as if he wouldn't want to put his eyes on anyone else. I'm a firm believer in the saying "money can't buy happiness", but I must admit the bouquets of flowers I get sometimes are awesome. I could definitely learn to live normally without Kyle, but why would I ever want to do that? He's taught me more about love than anyone ever has, and if that's not something worth keeping around then I have no idea what is. I got very, very lucky when it comes to my relationship. Just the other day Kyle said how he went into this year not wanting a girlfriend. We talk about the beginning of our relationship and our "talking stage" all of the time, and we always laugh and smile about how fresh and nerve racking everything was. I remember after only a few times of hanging out I could barely take how attractive I thought he was. Something just kept pulling me closer and closer to him. He's definitely one of the best decisions I've ever made.
   Dating Kyle has made me realize that there honestly is someone for everyone. Even with my baggage, my emotional side, and my every-so-often whining fits, he loves me unconditionally. But it feels pretty easy to do when that person is that important to you. Being able to share experiences like watching the sunset, yawning before the sunrise, jumping in the ocean even when it's too cold, and taking drives with the windows down and music blasting are things I could never enjoy as much with anyone else. I'm always so beyond grateful for my Kyle. There's no doubt in my mind that it'll always be him. I love him, I love him, I love him.

Road Trippin'

  Yesterday (Thursday) was one of the most genuine and greatest days I've had in a while. I got a text Wednesday night at like midnight from one of my closest friends in the whole entire world, PJ, asking if I wanted to go to Montauk. OF COURSE I couldn't turn down the offer. To anyone who hasn't visited Montauk, there is no better way for me to put this than that you need to go as soon as you possibly can. I spent a good amount of my childhood there at my uncle's little beach house across from the Block Island Sound. Honestly, some of the happiest memories I have happened in Montauk. Who knew such a small town could make you feel so big (theoretically). I tell you, when you're standing at the tip of the island looking over the ocean, there's no other feeling that can match up to it. Being an exceptionally significant part of the island for me personally, I knew I had to go with PJ.
   PJ was actually the very first friend I made in high school. Him and I seemed so alike that I knew I had to get to know him, and now he's one of the biggest influences in my life. Thinking about him leaving LI for college in Rhode Island makes me feel all sorts of emotions. As much as i'll miss him, I know that he deserves to go away and create the future that I know he'll do incredible in. There's nothing better than being surrounded by such a down to earth and generous person like him.
   Downtown MTK has some of the greatest food on this whole entire island. Zum Schneider is a German restaurant out there and I think it's definitely my favorite place to eat when i'm out east. Coming from someone who actually visited Germany, the food is so true to German culture and even some of the waiters and waitresses there have German accents. Not to mention the restaurant itself is adorable. I understand foreign food can seem kinda freaky sometimes but I seriously recommend this place to everyone!! Everything in MTK from camp hero to the lighthouse to all of the overlooks are unrealistically breathtaking. You feel like you're in a whole different world. I probably should've taken more photos, but I was so busy taking everything in with my eyes that I kinda forgot. Some things are just better to experience for yourself. Driving through the roads and going on top of the hills to see a view of the Atlantic Ocean makes me feel like i'm living my dream. Montauk is definitely one of those places where I feel like i'm in my natural habitat or something like that. Before yesterday I hadn't been there since May, and why I don't go more often I have no clue. It's a road trip that's 100% worth it every time! You can't go there and not feel alive, it's just not possible. Days like this make me realize how awesome life is, and especially how fortunate I am to have been born in one of the most soul capturing places in the world. I think i'm set on my decision to never move from LI. Get out to Montauk if you haven't already, and even if you have, go again!!!