Why I Chose Photography

    I've spent a lot of time focusing on myself lately, which has definitely seemed to be super effective in my well-being, thought process, and "creative flow". It's finally summer once again, and as always I'm trying to gather the motivation to turn my ideas into realities. Earlier today I started reflecting on my life and my past which is what led me to FINALLY writing on my blog again. Sometimes it's really hard to look my past in the eyes, and after I do I feel like I have so much to say. Seeing people while I'm out, whether it be at the beach or anywhere local for that matter, the compliments I get on my photos and words mean more to me than I could ever even try to explain. All I've ever wanted is to make people feel something. So with that being said, I thought I'd take the time to talk a little about why photography is what I chose to do, or I guess why it chose me.

    As many of you know, for these past (almost) three years I've had to live my life as normally as possible without having my father in my life. These have been the hardest three years that the other 17 years of my life never prepared me for. These three years have been nothing close to what I expected, and these three years have been the beginning of the rest of my life; a life without someone who is biologically half of me. Nothing about my life is the same to what it was before my dad's passing, they're like two different lives lived by two entirely different people. While these have been the beginning of the many heartache-enriched years ahead, I have enjoyed the process of finding myself and discovering the strength that I never knew I would ever be able to have. So I guess you could say that while these times have been hard on me, they have also been so influential. This is where I found my passion that has only grown since the first day of "the rest of my 'new' life".

   Towards the end of my senior year in high school I created this blog with the intent of getting my feelings out and sharing them with whoever wanted to listen. I don't leave much room for curiosity or secrecy in my life; I'm definitely more of an open book and will share anything about me that people are curious to know. I've found that my feelings, struggles, and breakthroughs may be helpful or beneficial to others, so I'm very open about my life, where I have been, and where I plan on going. So my blog was born, and as I shared my words, I found that I wanted to share my low quality, somewhat poorly aligned iPhone photos as well. After graduating high school, I was given enough money through graduation presents to buy my very first real, authentic camera (team Canon all the way!!!!) and my passion was born. I didn't know much about lenses or how to work a camera, so I taught myself whatever I could. I spent that entire summer learning more about photography and the feeling of capturing a moment that will never be able to be experienced just as so ever again. The thrill of snapping that one perfect shot and thinking, "I may never experience this moment again, but I have a great photo of it" was a feeling that ignited a flame in my heart and soul. I found a way to somehow fill the void in my heart that had been missing since my dad passed away. 

   After watching my dad die at a pretty young age, I learned in an extremely up-front way that life is full of surprises, good and bad. I realized that moments and memories come, and then they are gone. I think that this is why I chose photography, because I wanted to hold onto those moments for as long as I possibly could, because I knew what it meant to watch a good thing slip right through my fingers.  My parents are both artists, and I knew that there was absolutely no way that I didn't have some sort of artistic gene in me. It took some time for me to discover what my artistic talent was, but after beginning, I knew that this was something in my blood. I wanted to turn to something that I knew my dad would be proud of. I don't judge anyone for their healing processes; I'm one out of three children and we have all dealt with my dad's passing in extremely different ways. I know that for me personally, I just wanted to feel good again. I wanted to pour my hurt, anger, and sorrow into something beautiful, and I wish my dad was here to see that. I think that that's what hurts the most. I've always loved photography, but it wasn't until after he passed that I did something about it. I would love nothing more than for him to be here and see my growth as an artist. 

    The photos I take are much more than instagram likes, looking "cool", or seeking attention; it is so much deeper than that. I want to share my journey with those who are interested and do what I can to let my dad live through me. It will always be an honor being my dad's daughter; even after he's long gone, I still wouldn't want it any other way. I hope to get better with time, expand my knowledge on photography, and constantly learn and grow. This one unique, pure moment in time may never be experienced again, but I have proof of those feelings, and that's enough for me. That's why I chose photography. 

2017 and My 20's

   Three weeks into the new year and I can already say that 2017 has been extremely different from any year I've had yet. I know that what's to come will bring me so much joy and enthusiasm, and I'm thrilled to take it all on. The past month or so has given me so many different lessons that I didn't really realize were lessons at the time that they were taking place. Huge changes have been happening, and they seemed completely terrifying and overwhelming at first. With Kyle living in California until summer (sort of a long story), I spent nights staying up late, hardcore stressing over how I can possibly rearrange my life in the swiftest way for us to physically be together. Once I chilled out and just let things take control rather than trying to control everything, I realized how much simpler the situation could be if I let it. I've always been one to have quick ideas when a new situation is brought on. I don't necessarily do well with spontaneity, but when push comes to shove, it seems as though my mind doesn't rest, constantly flowing with possible solutions to how I can soften the blow. I can't tell if that's a good trait or a bad one. On one hand, I guess it establishes that I'm a fast thinker in a situation that I wasn't expecting. Truthfully, I'm not surprised that I've mastered the art, considering a lot of things that have happened to me in the past years were not at all pre-determined. On the other, I feel that creating dozens of outcomes, conclusions and solutions right off the bat is basically me giving charity money to my own anxiety. I support and strengthen it without really realizing.
   I definitely struggle with believing that there has to be an instant resolution or result. I'm extremely impatient and hate not knowing what's coming next, so as a result my mind goes to work without me giving it the 'okay' to do so. If you're wondering what the grand solution is for Kyle's big move, it's actually quite exciting! I'm actually flying out to see him for my birthday next weekend, which is something that I've been looking forward to since he first told me he was going to be staying out west for a little bit. It's crazy that I'm turning 20, and the fact that I get to be somewhere completely new with my favorite person makes the situation feel larger than life. I love that Kyle has always been a person who can make anything feel special and extremely important. I've noticed that throughout the course of our relationship, even back when we were in high school, he's always done everything he possibly can to make me happy with what he's able to give. And in my opinion, he's always gone above and beyond. I adore that about him. I'm also going to be visiting him for spring break, which will be my first time actually traveling somewhere for the occasion! I told him that I'd really love to take a trip to the Grand Canyon while I'm there, so that'll probably be something we'll do. And then to top it off, after the spring semester is over I'll be shipping myself off to him for the summer, where we'll spend some time in California and then eventually drive across the country in his car back to Long Island, where we'll both be staying for good (or at least for now). I already know that 2017 is going to be full of amazing experiences that I would never be able to come across as so if Kyle hadn't made the trip out west in the first place. So, although some of the changes we've faced have been hard to look past, these incredible opportunities are falling into our hands. It's true that being with Kyle has been different from anything I've ever felt before, and incredibly divergent from other relationships our age. I wouldn't trade a single thing, because he's given me something completely authentic and unique.
   It's wild that I'm about to no longer be a teenager. I know that after turning 20 not much will instantly change, but this is most definitely the time of my life where things start to take a different course. I really loved being a teenager and I can't say I regret much. It's extremely cliche but so true when they (I don't know who 'they' is) say that you only regret what you didn't do. So, I guess if I had any regrets, they're towards the moments that I didn't seize when I had the opportunity to. The plan for my 20's is to not let that happen! My life turned itself upside down without even a sliver of my approval more times than I can remember while being a teenager, and although it was unfair at times, it's given me such an advantage and has added on years of wisdom and experience to my life. Not gonna lie, everything awful that happened to me hurt me in ways I can't really put into words. Sometimes I'm still extremely bitter, but at the end of the day, I've grown more than I ever expected to as a teenager. If I could go back in time and talk to 13 year old me, I would definitely tell her that's she's in for quite a ride. Despite the bad times, I really loved it all for what it was, even though it felt as though it was killing me at times. I learned honest, boundless love while being a teenager and what it means to feel so many things at once. I'm so proud of teenage me for being the woman that she is. I feel that all I am and will be, I owe to what I learned and became throughout my time as a teenager. These years have been much more important to me than I ever could've presumed or envisioned. It's the end of an era; an era that I may grow past, but will carry with me through everyday and every situation I face for the entirety of my life.
   Being on my own (without actually being on my own) for the first time in a few years has given me a lot of time to myself. Sometimes I love it and other times it feels although it drives me crazy. While having alone time, I've realized that I really love myself for who I am. I'm proud of the person I'm growing up to be, and I love that I'm so passionate about the things that mean the most to me. I've taken the time to focus on my photography, which is something that means the absolute world and more to me. I will no doubt be in photo taking heaven while on my travels throughout the course of the year! I've slowly been working on a magazine that I'll hopefully publish, if I ever finish it. I remember writing on my blog back in 2015 about how big of a dream having my own magazine was to me. I often struggle with having enough motivation to continue what I've started and that's something I really plan on working on in 2017. I intended on having about 10-20 magazines printed by sometime in January, which is already more than halfway through. But once the plan of traveling cross country came up, I became so focused on saving money for that. I think I need to look at spending money on the magazines as a smart investment. I know seeing my words and photos in print would put me over the moon. I might start working more on that while this current burst of inspiration is still coursing through my body, because once it leaves, it's hard for me to pick back up where I left off. I know that after returning home from mine and Kyle's road trip I'll most definitely have to do a magazine of some sort with all of my photos and the stories that go along with them. Life has been great, there are no other words to really put it. I appreciate that I can be thrown into a situation that I wasn't originally expecting and make the most out of it. 2017 and my 20th year will hopefully be the year of a lifetime, that's what I'm planning on.