Bittersweet Goodbyes

   This past week has been one of the most eventful and busiest ones I've had in quite some time. My school held senior prom followed by graduation, and all of it was way more exciting than I thought it'd be. It's crazy to think that basically all I've ever known has come to an end as I embark on a whole new life.
   To start off, prom (June 24th) turned out to be a really, really great time. I got my hair and makeup done which hardly ever happens. Days with big events like that tend to make me so stressed and anxious. I get overwhelmed pretty easily just from everyday life, so when something big is happening I freak out about everything. It's definitely a problem of mine. When I first saw Kyle I couldn't help but smile unconditionally. Being him, he forgot the corsage and boutonniere at home in his fridge. He's so forgetful about so many things and i'm not, so that's one thing about him that drives me INSANE!!!
   Taking a limo to prom was way more than I could've asked for. I was perfectly fine with driving there but one of my best friends, PJ, insisted Kyle and I went with them. Sitting inside the limo and looking around at all of my friends and seeing each one of them so happy and dressed up made me realize just how perfect life can be. PJ and my other best friend, Chris, were the first friends I met in high school and knowing that I was finishing off my high school career with them made me so damn emotional. Throughout the years I have gained and lost many, many friends, but knowing that i'll always have people like them and a few select others has helped me to leave high school on a happy note.
   It was weird being at prom and knowing that it was one of the last times everyone I've known in the past 4 years (or longer) will all be together. It was cool to be in a huge room full of people that had not only been in my graduating class, but have suffered through the same hard math tests as me, woken up at the same early time as me, and have accomplished the same things that I had. It was also cool to see what everyone was wearing. I have always try my hardest to respect everyones sense of style and to never judge a person for what they decide to wear. I have always used my wardrobe as a way to express myself as much as I possibly can. I love the idea of wearing whatever I want despite what other people have to say about it. Kyle and I danced like wild animals and he confessed his love for dancing to me. It's hilarious to see him completely groove out. My prom dress was probably the nicest piece of clothing I've ever put on my body. I got it way back in February because I really just couldn't wait any longer. I wore a white Jovani dress that was fitted to my body. It was lace with a nude slip underneath and had iridescent jewels going down it. It really wasn't my style and nothing like anything I've ever worn before. It was different from everything else in my wardrobe but I fell into a deep love with it as soon as I tried it on. Whenever I dress up I usually wear red lipstick. I lost count of how many friends, teachers, and even parents told me I looked similar to Marilyn Monroe. A lot of people claimed that Kyle and I looked like a "hollywood couple". I wish I had the opportunity to dress up like this more often! Kyle wore a tan-nude color tuxedo and I could swear on my life that I've never seen anything more beautiful.

   

   Also, another thing, while at prom Kyle and I got stopped by a woman with a camera and notepad who said she was from News 12. She asked to take our picture and of course we obliged. She asked why we decided to attend our prom and Kyle added that this was the last big "hoorah". Right in that moment it hit me. It hit me that this was all coming to an end. Every face I knew, every voice I could recognize even when my back is turned was all about to be no more. It completely shook me. Sure enough, we were on the News 12 website! There's no interview or really any dialogue or paragraph, the article was more of like a headline for a future story. It was so funny to see though! 

   For after prom, the plan was to go to Times Square in NYC and one of the island's beaches if time allowed since we had the limo till 3:30 AM. We all just kinda wanted to go back to PJ's already so we could hangout there. We ditched our original plans and decided to go out to eat at what better place to end off your high school career; Applebees. Not exactly the place I was hoping to go, but we were all starving and it was pretty funny walking in still dressed up. We camped out in PJ's backyard which was probably one of the best experiences I've had in my high school career. We stayed up till sunrise sitting around the camp fire and jumping in the pool. Laying next to Kyle in our own little tent after the sun had risen was just another one of those moments where I looked into his eyes and knew I was home. 

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   That morning it hadn't really hit that it was graduation day (June 25th). Putting on my cap and gown and even being handed my diploma weren't heavy enough to make it hit me. Hearing the speeches and seeing all of my classmates sit before me was so strange. All of the loved ones and supporters in the bleachers and chairs gave me an overwhelming feeling of love and encouragement. While walking onto the field and over to my chair in the ocean of teenagers I saw my mom, brother, sister, and cousin in the crowd. I waved and threw up some shakas and stuck out my tongue. I decided to wear a tie dye shirt, cut offs, and sanuks to this "formal event". I felt like wearing something that I knew would sum up who I am, and wearing some dressy outfit and wedges just wasn't going to cut it. After the ceremony was over, it ultimately hit that I was done with high school not so much when our principle congratulated us or when we threw up our caps, but after both of those when I saw Kyle in the huge swarm of people, ran up to him and jumped into his arms. The way he embraced me made it all truly hit me. I had suddenly realized that the two of us and everyone else around him and I were now considered adults. That feeling is something i'll always be able to recall vividly.

   Now that night for the "after party", we took a trip out to the north shore of the island. I feel like i'm always so busy spending time on the south shore where the surf is that I never really find the time to appreciate the LI sound. It's so beautiful, peaceful, and quaint. The water's calm but surprisingly you can see some wave breaks out there. Kyle and I took a kayak out and what we thought was a whale were actually just little waves. I love doing things with him like that and seeing him doing what he loves to do. When we got to our site Kyle instantly started building a fire and setting up our tent. He loves nature and the outdoors and is so good at making the most of the materials he has. When we were on the kayak I told him how smart he is when it comes to those things, and how intelligent he is as a human being. To me, that goes much more of a longer way than being school smart. The campsite was Wildwood, which is known for being the largest camping ground on the island. Sure enough, it was huge. Kyle and I got lost for what seemed like forever while trying to find where our friends had set up. This wasn't really a planned trip for us, we kinda just got asked to come along last week by one of Kyle's very good friends. Kyle's friends have became my friends over these past few months and vice versa. It's nice to see that no matter who he is in front of, he's still the same person. All of his friends are really cool and easy going and know how to have a good time without making things difficult or complex. We didn't need much to enjoy ourselves. It was a very simple camping trip. I didn't want a prom house because I just knew it was more intricate and elaborate than what I wanted to get out of these past few days. Sitting around the fire and laughing with everyone was such a great time. It made me so happy with what high school has given me.

   Overall, these past few experiences have became some of my greatest memories. It's hard to get into my mind that I have just said goodbye to so many people for good. Most of the people I've met and gotten to know, heard crazy rumors about, and stood next to while washing my hands in the bathroom may never pop up in my life again. It's definitely hard, but at the same time it feels extremely good. It's a fresh slate to let a whole new entire group of people into my life. I am excited that Kyle and I are getting closer to the moment we can call it "our life" instead of our separate lives. All of this is both melancholy and completely extricating. I await the future with high hopes and enthusiasm for all it will bring to me.

Father's Day / Summer Solstice

  Today felt pretty strange for me. My very first Father's Day without my dad around and there have been tons of mixed emotions. I'm definitely sad, don't get me wrong, but there's a part of me that feels so at peace. When my dad was ill with cancer he was at the very worst i've ever seen him. Of course I miss him and wish more than anything that I had my dad still, but with what the circumstances were i'm so relieved that he's not hurting anymore.

   Today was pretty laid back, there's not really much you can do when the person you're supposed to be celebrating for isn't even here. But my immediate family was never really that big on huge celebrations for events, everything's always kinda been pretty calm with this type of stuff. My sister, Emily, came in from Brooklyn and her, my mom, my brother Taylor and I visited my dad at his grave. Being that my dad was in the navy when he was younger, he's buried at Calverton, a cemetary used to bury those who have served. It's definitely a weird feeling visiting a grave and knowing that you're standing before their body but not their soul. Being there and seeing so many other families, spouses, and friends gathered infront of their loves one's graves for the same exact reason I was there made me feel not so alone anymore. 

   To lighten up the situation, today's the summer solstice! Today has been my favorite day throughout my teenage years. I used to make huge countdown posters and cross off a day as June 21st came closer. Also, I used to be very into astrology and the alignment of the planets and stars with our minds which definitely added to the craze. Hate to break it to ya, but astrology's all kinda just one big hoax. But it's still fun to read up on it!

   There's something about summer that has always enlightened me so much. I've always loved the beach, but I don't need it to be summer to go. I'll sit in front of the ocean in just about any temperate or month or season. Dating a surfer has brought a lot of excitement to my beach trips. To me, summer is all about growth. I feel so much energy and radiation of great things this time of year. The summer solstice has always been so special to me for the reason that it feels like a fresh start or kinda like a new beginning. It's a day that begins a few months full of self growth and brightness within. 

   Switching back to the Father's Day topic, for those of you who are fortunate to have dads around and active in your lives, please thank them more than just one day a year. Parents do so much for their children and i've definitely realized that throughout this year. 

   In tribute to my dad, there are some pictures of him below (he was a hunk!!!). He was a really really cool guy with a lot of exceptionally impressive talents. From history, to art, to even math, he was always able to answer a question correctly. He honestly would've done incredible on one of those TV questionnaire game shows. I am always missing him and thinking about what could've been. Here's to all of the great dads out there, both alive and deceased. And also, here's to bright new beginnings. 

Parks n Beaches

    Yesterday (Friday 6/19/15) was just one of those days that made me so glad to be alive. Ya know those days? Where you just do something or a bunch of things that make you feel so amazing, and so whole that you're absolutely invincible? I feel like those are the days I need the most. I'm one of those people who lets their problems get to them very easily, and it's so effortless for me to feel helpless and like nothing will ever go right ever again. Sometimes i'm the complete opposite, and I feel like there's not one single thing in the world that can stop me. The days where I feel like that make me so inspired and motivated to put my dreams and ideas into action. I would take that feeling over any other in the world any day.
   It was so gorgeous out yesterday. It was kinda cloudy in the beginning but it turned out to be perfect. Kyle and I went to a local arboretum a few towns over, actually the same place my parents got married back in '82 when my mom was 22 and my dad was just about 25. It's such a peaceful and open place. Maybe i'll even have my wedding there someday. We spread the blanket we bring pretty much everywhere with us under this huge tree that we laid under a couple of days ago as well. All we really need is each other to have a great time. We listen to the same music and have the same style; there's no better way to put it than that we just get each other. It's so remarkable and even liberating in a way to be able to lay down and just look at him. We don't even have to use words. We can just lay there in silence and still know how each other is feeling. I think that's what makes our relationship so incredibly special to me. One thing I especially love is how we take pictures of each other and write letters to each other and neither of us are afraid to show just how strong our love is, and how much it is constantly growing. Kinda shows how you don't have to be a certain age or be with that person for a specific amount of time before you know that you love them.
   Later that night we went to what most people around here would call Land's End or The Docks, but regardless of what you call it, it's really just a place to go when you either have nothing better to do or wanna do something stupid and not get caught, or honestly both. So, as most Friday nights usually end up, we went there. One of our lame inside jokes is calling each Friday a "Big Friday Night" (please don't ask why because I don't have a single clue) which is where the name of my car came from "Big Fry". We use my car to go just about everywhere and we spend so much time just hanging out in it. I think I like my car for that purpose more than the actual driving part.
   We laid down the same blanket as before on the little beach that's there and had our very own picnic for like 2 hours. We laughed so hard about so many things and made complete fools out of ourselves and i'm pretty sure the people who came and went around us thought there was something very wrong with us. I don't laugh harder with anyone else than I do with him. Sometimes we'll be acting like idiots and then pause for a second and look at each other and wonder why we're so strange. It's truthfully the greatest thing ever.
   Days like these just make me realize how much I actually have and how many breathtaking things are around me. When i'm outside and really, really think about it, I realize how small I am in comparison to this huge planet and it kind of puts me into perspective. When i'm surrounded by things so much bigger than myself it really sets in that I am just a tiny part of this world and all of my problems aren't forever. It grounds me a lot and brings me back down to earth after the times I feel like my life and even being alive is questionable. Nature and all of its elements truly do heal. If you're ever having a really shitty day or you feel like your world is falling apart, take it from someone who's felt the same way too many times to count and step outside. By yourself or with people who wont bring even an ounce of negativity into your environment. Travel and get out there, regardless of how near or far you're going. I promise it'll make all the difference.

New Beginnings

      I'm not really all that good at beginnings, so bare with me. I feel as if with a lot of things i've done recently, my reacting thought was "I've wanted to do that for a while now", and this, well this is just another one of those things. To make it as short and semi-sweet as I can, I am a a teenage girl living on Long Island, New York with a future major in english and hopefully journalism as well. I hold very strong opinions but I enjoy hearing others, and I had a life long goal all of my childhood to change the world. I thought that with age those broad hopes would start to die down, but they still haven't. I'm very into photography and writing and using both to document my life, so what better way than to bring both together onto a blog? I am a little crazy and only getting crazier, and I hope to both entertain and inspire you as I share my experiences, feelings, and whereabouts. 

Tatted!

     One really awesome story to start all of this off is, as most teenagers do, getting my first tattoo! Just two days ago I woke up and thought to myself "I should get a tattoo today." Being me, this spontaneous idea and actually following through with it was pretty normal. A lot of my decisions are based on spontaneity, from cutting most of my hair off back in October of 2014 to taking random trips out to somewhere new with my boyfriend. My life is never really planned out, I just kinda go for it.
    ANYWAYS, so my tattoo. I had actually wanted to get one for a while (my reoccurring saying), but with my fear of needles and minimum wage budget I kept looking for excuses not to. I didn't want anything silly or insignificant on my body, in fact, I wanted my dad's signature; a man I keep very close to my heart. Oh, my dad; the artist, the history buff, the fried chicken maker. I really have no clue where to start with him. Unfortunately, he passed away last July, just about a year ago. It was cancer, and a very severe and heartbreaking illness to watch at that. I will probably go into further detail about him in the future, because he deserves the recognition. So, I decided to take the initials he used to sign most of his paintings at the bottom right corner as a tattoo idea. The idea was tossed back and forth for just about as long as he's been gone. Finally, I grew the courage to put it into action. Because i'm of age, it was no problem going to get it done. I went with my boyfriend, Kyle, who I actually do most things with nowadays. Because it was a small tattoo, basically just line work, I thought i'd be able to show up and have it done right there. We drove to a tattoo place a couple of towns over from me and was told that I would have to come back at 8:30pm. I instantly said that it was fine just because I wanted it so damn bad. The clock currently read around 4:30; oh the anticipation!!!!
   So, we show up to the tattoo place around 8ish and I was so, SO nervous. I tried to act cool and calm, and tried to play it off as if this wasn't my first tattoo. Kyle is such a saint, dealing with all of the nervousness and anxiety that comes to me sometimes. He usually helps me get out of it by laughing it off. We still had some time to waste before I got called in, so being us, we went to the new-ish record store next door. We were instantly greeted by a medium sized black dog and some really cool ladies who I could just tell were great friends. We walked around for a bit. It really was an awesome place. My eyes instantly latched onto a Beatles record. The Magical Mystery Tour, an album I started to first love when I heard it on my moms ipod nano way back in like 2009 or something. My dad really, really loved The Beatles. Him and my mom are where I got most of my music taste from, so I took it as a sign that maybe, just maybe he was with me. I dodged for the album and just stared at it in awe. Kyle bursted my bubble when he pointed out the $75 sticker on it. The owner, i'm guessing, ran up to us and was so beyond friendly. She could definitely tell I wanted the album more than I wanted to breathe at the moment. She said she'd give it to me for $25 and I was absolutely blown away!! Of course, I was sold. Her reasoning was that she needed some good karma to come her way, so hopefully this good deed wouldn't go unrecognized. Although i'm not a firm believer in karma, I sure hope she gets that good luck.
     8:30 rolls around and i'm getting cold sweats, yes, cold sweats!!! A guy who had just finished getting one of his many, many tattoos could definitely notice that this was my first tattoo. He asks "Is this your first tattoo?", and when I say yes he goes, and I quote, "It hurts like a motherfucker!!!!" and walks out the door laughing. Although he was only kidding (I was hoping), I felt as if I had just shrunken down about ten times my body size. Now I was super scared! The tattoo artist came up to me and was so approachable and nice that it made things seem not so bad anymore. Eventually he was ready, and he called me to the seat in the back of the shop...dun dun dunnnn!!!
    After cleaning my arm and doing all that other tattoo artist preparation stuff that tattoo artists do, everything was finally set to go. I was still pretty shook but I knew there was absolutely no way I was going to chicken out now. The tattoo was going to go on my left shoulder, which is where i'm almost positive my dad had his only tattoo (I can't remember whether it was the left or right). So getting it in that spot was of significance. Also, I was told that was a spot that it wouldn't severely hurt..sounds good enough to me!
    He did one little line to show me how the needle would feel, and honestly, it was much different from how I expected it to be. Of course I still squeezed Kyle's hand all the way through, but it definitely wasn't as killer as I thought it'd be. The tattoo artist, who I never caught the name of, started to ask me questions about the reasoning behind the tattoo. As I started to explain, I found myself getting really into the conversation. I talked very fondly of my dad and I began to realize that the stinging of the needle wasn't so bad as before. I said to the guy "yeah, it's pretty hard not having him around" and he responded "well, hopefully this helps a little bit". My eyes instantly started to tear up and I tried my absolute best not to cry right there. That's definitely one of the moments i'll never forget. Those words really really stuck to me.
    I don't even know how long it took but it wasn't very long at all. He finished and I hopped out of the chair to get a look. I can truthfully say I have never looked into a mirror feeling happier with myself. I couldn't thank the tattoo artist enough, even Kyle thanked him. I don't think he realized what a big favor he had just done for me. I had Kyle take a picture of my flexing arm (seen below) and I really just couldn't hide my excitement. I couldn't stop smiling.
    I'm beyond happy I decided to get it. It's my way of always having my dad with me. It's something I know i'll never regret and I actually grew a lot from the experience. I hope that wherever his soul is, he's happy and proud of me. This one goes out to you, dad!

The Behind Story

So...the name behind this blog. Originally, I used this name as a title for a creative writing project in school this past semester. I kinda just came up with it really fast being that I finished the project the day before it was due. To me, the name of this blog means a lot. I like to think of myself as a visionary; a person who hopes and dreams of the future. 2014 and 2015 have been complete roller coasters for me, so it's given me a reason to aim for a better future. I'm always planning and thinking; I really don't think my brain ever stops doing its thing.

    Creating this blog is kind of like dissecting who I am. I have never had a problem explaining my feelings and opinions to others, so that's why all of this is coming pretty easily to me. I sure don't have it all together and I think that throughout these posts that'll definitely be shown. Who knew that a silly title of a school project could end up having so much meaning to me and literally wrapping up what i'm all about into 3 words? The meaning of words truly do hold so much weight.