Things haven't been all that greatly. I haven't been myself, and it sucks. It seems that the stress of school and just life in general has taken its toll on me. It's hard to be so god damn upset with your life, but not really knowing what to do because there are so many people you don't want to let down. When I'm happy, i'm the most energetic, lively girl in the world. But when life hurts me in someway, all other aspects of myself seem to go down the drain for a little bit. I'm definitely in a funk, and from time to time it scares not only me, but the people around me. It's tough to not let the world beat you down when you're not feeling confident in what's happening in your life. A few days ago I was thinking about deleting this blog entirely, and giving up on everything. Nothing really seemed interesting to me anymore. Even my greatest passions seemed to turn black and white. I hate that so many of my friends look to me as the strong, positive person, because sometimes I just can't live up to that. I get so into my emotions that it physically pains me, and really does some damage to my body. Sadness is definitely a dangerous disease to us. I truly wish I could be in a more peaceful state of mind right now. No one wants to feel like they don't belong where they currently are, or like things in their life don't feel right. I sometimes think to myself that I have been waiting for things to get better for years now; that I claim things are great but are they really? I know, deep down, there's a part of me that is always hurting. Recently I've been constantly thinking about my dad, what could have been and what actually happened. I keep wondering about when things will start to become clearer. They say everything happens for a reason but I see no valuable reason for why life has been so harsh to me. Who even is "they" anyways? I sat in my car for about 2 hours last week in between classes and just cried my eyes out. I started to think that things just don't get better, and that I have lied to so many people by saying that life always unfolds beautifully and comes together in the end. I still don't know if I've changed my mind about that thought.
Life is so confusing, we as humans are such difficult creatures. We have so many god damn feelings and burdens, so many responsibilities, standards, and labels. Our lives consist of so much damage that it nearly amazes me that any soul could survive it. I wish I had more answers to my questions than I do. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am merely a human being, and life is not handed on a silver platter. If there's anyone to thank for keeping me stable and sane, it is Kyle. He has done more for me these past few weeks than anyone else ever has in my lifetime. He doesn't see my broken past or my sadness as a nuisance or disturbance, and that alone means everything to me. I feel like I can give great advice to anyone around me on the next step to take, but when I turn around and open my palms to look down at my own problems, I become paralyzed. This is definitely a turning point for me. I am in pain but this will pass, i'm hoping. I wish nothing more than to get back on my feet soon and return to the Maddy I know i'm supposed to be. I promise not to give up just yet.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
College Gurl
Approaching my third week as a college gal already and I can truthfully say i'm lovin' it! I can already feel myself growing up a little more. I was a little frustrated for a few days because although i'm extremely glad I stayed home, it's sometimes a little difficult wanting to feel mature in an "immature environment" like the home you've been in all of your life. So my emotions were mixed while transitioning into the new feel of college, but luckily for me my mom is extremely understanding and always willing to listen to me. Many of you probably know that I cherish my bedroom more than just about anything in the world. You walk in and instantly know the type of person I am. And I definitely wouldn't trade it for a dorm room. But my mom said that we can begin to renovate my unfinished and quite frankly scary and smelly basement into a bedroom for me which i'm super excited about!! It's something new and fresh, which might be exactly what I need. Redecorating and cleaning are just a few of my guilty pleasures so i'm looking very forward to this new project.
I got shunned quite a bit for staying home for college when I said that one of the main reasons was for Kyle. People and friends repeatedly told me don't stay home for college just because of a boy. Being me, I decided to tune out anyones opinion but my own. After all, if I would've ended up going away because I listened to everyone, they're not the ones who would feel homesick once I left. So I left my decision completely up to me and came to the realization that wherever you believe that you'll be most comfortable, happy, and mentally healthy is where you should stay. I know that if I was to go off of Long Island I would not only miss Kyle and my family and friends staying at home, but I would miss the beach and all of my favorite restaurants and having the freedom of driving around and still keeping a job. It truly is all of the little things that come together and make my life as enjoyable as it is. Going away to school in a brand new town just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. They say that only the kids who go away get to experience new things, which is totally untrue. I just spent my weekend camping out on the beach which is something I haven't done in a while. Someone staying in their hometown doesn't diminish the amount of fun they have whatsoever. So I'm content with my decision to say the least.
Initially, I had thought that staying home would be the best idea because Kyle and I would be able to continue our tightly knitted relationship and step into the next chapter of our lives together. I could never even begin to explain how difficult and heart wrenching it'd be to go long periods of time without being able to see him. Me studying to become an english teacher and him beginning his career as an electrician is something that I wanted to experience together, not from miles apart. It'd be It'd be pretty tough knowing that Kyle is starting his career here on the island and I wouldn't be able to stand from the sidelines and cheer him on. It's most important to stick to whatever makes you feel radiant and carefree, so that's exactly what I did.
Here are some photos Kyle took of me while at the beach yesterday. Besides the fact of being creeped out by some old couple staring at me while taking these, I feel like I truly look the happiest i've looked in a while in these shots. Pretty sure Kyle has improved his picture taking skills as well, which makes me even happier!
I got shunned quite a bit for staying home for college when I said that one of the main reasons was for Kyle. People and friends repeatedly told me don't stay home for college just because of a boy. Being me, I decided to tune out anyones opinion but my own. After all, if I would've ended up going away because I listened to everyone, they're not the ones who would feel homesick once I left. So I left my decision completely up to me and came to the realization that wherever you believe that you'll be most comfortable, happy, and mentally healthy is where you should stay. I know that if I was to go off of Long Island I would not only miss Kyle and my family and friends staying at home, but I would miss the beach and all of my favorite restaurants and having the freedom of driving around and still keeping a job. It truly is all of the little things that come together and make my life as enjoyable as it is. Going away to school in a brand new town just doesn't seem appealing to me at all. They say that only the kids who go away get to experience new things, which is totally untrue. I just spent my weekend camping out on the beach which is something I haven't done in a while. Someone staying in their hometown doesn't diminish the amount of fun they have whatsoever. So I'm content with my decision to say the least.
Initially, I had thought that staying home would be the best idea because Kyle and I would be able to continue our tightly knitted relationship and step into the next chapter of our lives together. I could never even begin to explain how difficult and heart wrenching it'd be to go long periods of time without being able to see him. Me studying to become an english teacher and him beginning his career as an electrician is something that I wanted to experience together, not from miles apart. It'd be It'd be pretty tough knowing that Kyle is starting his career here on the island and I wouldn't be able to stand from the sidelines and cheer him on. It's most important to stick to whatever makes you feel radiant and carefree, so that's exactly what I did.
Here are some photos Kyle took of me while at the beach yesterday. Besides the fact of being creeped out by some old couple staring at me while taking these, I feel like I truly look the happiest i've looked in a while in these shots. Pretty sure Kyle has improved his picture taking skills as well, which makes me even happier!
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