Things haven't been all that greatly. I haven't been myself, and it sucks. It seems that the stress of school and just life in general has taken its toll on me. It's hard to be so god damn upset with your life, but not really knowing what to do because there are so many people you don't want to let down. When I'm happy, i'm the most energetic, lively girl in the world. But when life hurts me in someway, all other aspects of myself seem to go down the drain for a little bit. I'm definitely in a funk, and from time to time it scares not only me, but the people around me. It's tough to not let the world beat you down when you're not feeling confident in what's happening in your life. A few days ago I was thinking about deleting this blog entirely, and giving up on everything. Nothing really seemed interesting to me anymore. Even my greatest passions seemed to turn black and white. I hate that so many of my friends look to me as the strong, positive person, because sometimes I just can't live up to that. I get so into my emotions that it physically pains me, and really does some damage to my body. Sadness is definitely a dangerous disease to us. I truly wish I could be in a more peaceful state of mind right now. No one wants to feel like they don't belong where they currently are, or like things in their life don't feel right. I sometimes think to myself that I have been waiting for things to get better for years now; that I claim things are great but are they really? I know, deep down, there's a part of me that is always hurting. Recently I've been constantly thinking about my dad, what could have been and what actually happened. I keep wondering about when things will start to become clearer. They say everything happens for a reason but I see no valuable reason for why life has been so harsh to me. Who even is "they" anyways? I sat in my car for about 2 hours last week in between classes and just cried my eyes out. I started to think that things just don't get better, and that I have lied to so many people by saying that life always unfolds beautifully and comes together in the end. I still don't know if I've changed my mind about that thought.
Life is so confusing, we as humans are such difficult creatures. We have so many god damn feelings and burdens, so many responsibilities, standards, and labels. Our lives consist of so much damage that it nearly amazes me that any soul could survive it. I wish I had more answers to my questions than I do. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am merely a human being, and life is not handed on a silver platter. If there's anyone to thank for keeping me stable and sane, it is Kyle. He has done more for me these past few weeks than anyone else ever has in my lifetime. He doesn't see my broken past or my sadness as a nuisance or disturbance, and that alone means everything to me. I feel like I can give great advice to anyone around me on the next step to take, but when I turn around and open my palms to look down at my own problems, I become paralyzed. This is definitely a turning point for me. I am in pain but this will pass, i'm hoping. I wish nothing more than to get back on my feet soon and return to the Maddy I know i'm supposed to be. I promise not to give up just yet.
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