Bad Girl Gone Good

   So as I was driving to work earlier today (I probably should've been more focused on driving but whatever) I got into a really deep thought about how much I've changed as a person from last summer around this time to now. For so much of high school I was so anxious and terrified to live. For me everything was always worst case scenario, and it held me back from doing a lot of things I should've. I would cry at the thought of driving and having to navigate a car, and being that it was always one of my biggest fears I got my permit and license a year later than most of my friends. Things like that strapped me down and kept me away from the potential that I had. Last summer I decided to not be the "scared girl" anymore. I was so sick of hearing "stop being so scared, Maddy" or "live a little!!!". For my first half of high school I was able to hold down a relationship with a boy that I very much believe I loved at the time, but I was also 15-nearly 17. It was difficult, trying to keep such a mature thing in your life at a young age. I could've sworn it was love, and there's a big possibility that it was, but a very premature one at that. But it familiarized me with the opposite sex and was one thing that I had confidence in. I knew I could keep a conversation flowing easily with a guy, which is something a lot of my girl friends struggled with and would come to me for advice with. I'd always get the infamous question "what do I even say back to him?!?!", and somehow I always had an answer. I took that to my greatest advantage once I became single and when I also tried my hardest to not be such a "scaredy cat". I went through guys easily, knowing that I wanted love and intimacy but never being able to experience it with the right guy. I looked for love in places I knew deep down I wouldn't find it, but I still persistently searched and searched. I've definitely made some poor decisions in my past as a teenager. I can recall last summer as "one big blur". I made a fair amount of mistakes and hid a lot from my loved ones, mostly because I just didn't want them to be concerned. Typically, not many teenagers, or people in general for that matter, go straight up to the people they know care about them and say "hey, I've made some pretty poor choices and are still continuing to make them; let me tell you all about them". It's just how it goes, we want to protect the ones we love from being worried about us, and knowing that you've disappointed them definitely makes its way into the "top 5 worst feelings" category. We're human, it's cool. We do stupid shit every so often. But I started to use that excuse more than usual. It turned into an everyday thing that i'd say "whatever, i'm just a teenager", but that excuse only justifies so much for so long, and when I looked at the big picture, "every so often" warped itself into everyday. So, I made my dumb mistakes. I hid things and snuck around and showed immaturity in its clearest and purest form. I told myself everyday that it wasn't because my dad was sick and I just wanted to have fun. I still don't really believe it was solely because of what had been happening with my dad but maybe someday i'll wake up someday and realize it was. Or maybe I already have. Am I contradicting myself??
   Last summer I dyed my hair red and really tried to play off the "bad girl" look. I really tried my hardest to look super tough and fearful of nothing. Maybe I was terrified out of my mind and I just didn't want to show it. Wear whatever you want and if you think you look good, you look good. But how I presented myself was just trashy. There's no sugar coating it. I just had a really bad image to people who didn't know me. I did everything and anything I wanted and knew no one could stop me. I knew a lot of my friends were concerned but didn't want to be a buzzkill. I ruined myself in a lot of ways I should've never even gotten myself into. I wanted to be fearless, but in the scheme of things not being frightened by anything is what kills you. It's that small gut feeling or that annoying, frequent voice in your head telling you to go right instead of left; that's what keeps you alive.
   I guess you could call it my "rough phase" of high school, and indeed it was exactly that. And looking back, all I can say to myself it "...what??". Somewhere down the road within this past year I changed my ways because, well, who would ever want to live that way? I'm back to being that anxious, nervous girl but I've learned how to ignore the bothersome thoughts a little easier. It's pretty easy to be careless and incautious, and I could swear to you for a while you'll feel like you're having the time of your life and you wont want to live any other way. But it gets old, and eventually it hits you that being stupid with your actions brings you no where but down. I lost myself for a little bit and was mistaken that that was who I was really supposed to be. I would always say in my thoughts "why didn't I turn into this sooner?!". Then reality smacked me straight in the face and I got a grip, picked up what was important in my life, moved on and left behind anything toxic. I'm happy to be in the place that i'm at, and this time I hope it's not just a phase. Be careful and mindful of your actions, don't get too ahead of yourself, and take it from someone who has fell for what felt like millions of feet till they crashed onto rock bottom, getting yourself into danger for the thrill of it is as uncool as it gets.

Summer Has Come and Passed

   I'm so sad to say that my summer has just about come to an end. With all of its adventure and romance, this truly has been the best one to experience yet. I wrapped up my summer by going out to Montauk for a few days with my mom, sister, and Kyle. They were some of the greatest days I've had this summer to say the least. Between being introduced to the new, delicious foods out there and getting sprawled out on the beach with Kyle next to me, I had the time of my life. I swore to Kyle that we'll live there before we die.
   The first night there, the 4 of us went to the beach to watch a drum circle. Just when I thought I've seen everything! It was entertaining for a certain amount of time before both Kyle and I's exhaustion caught up to us. The next day was spent at the beach (obviously), followed with dinner at now one of my favorite restaurants on the island, Gigshack. Sooo worth the money and the energy of the place made me wanna get up and dance! Later that night Kyle and I laid on the beach and accidentally fell asleep and woke up sometime during the night totally confused.
   There's really no way to describe what this summer meant to me. It was too unique to really wrap up into words. I learned much and changed for the better, and I've never felt so refreshed and renewed in my entire life. I'm glad that I surrounded myself with the company I had these past few months, and seeing my loved ones "live in the moment" made me feel all the more better. What I've learned more than just about anything this summer is what love is really all about. From falling in love with Kyle all over again every time I saw him come out of the ocean after surfing, to spending time with my best friends as much as I could until they left for college, I experienced intimacy and endearment in its purest form. I've learned to love things with all of my heart as much as I possibly can, because not only does it make you feel alive, but everyone around you as well. The love you pour into the world will radiate and reflect right back onto you. By loving others around me, I have discovered how to love myself. I accomplished exactly what I wanted to this summer, which was to just "be" and coexist. I had a few downfalls throughout the months and doubted myself and my life here and there, and really thought long and hard about if I was leading myself in the right direction into adulthood. Sure enough I was able to pick myself back up every time and gain faith in my mission here on earth. I know exactly what I want to do with my life and am determined to follow through with it.
   Although i'll miss the alluring feel that Long Island summers bring, i'm trying my hardest to become excited for autumn and the seasons to follow! After all, summer will return soon enough! I have many plans for the end of 2015 and 2016 and so many goals I will try my hardest to accomplish. I could never ever forget this summer. I will forever be grateful for the unique and loving people in my life and the handfuls of incredible humans that I've crossed paths with within the last few months. As I leave this summer behind me and pack it away into my mind, I hope more than anything that I have reached out to a few people. And now to start a new adventure; college! Here goes nothin'...

Maddy & Kyle vs. Wild

   Out of complete spontaneity, Kyle and I decided to pack up some bags and take a trip out to a camp ground on the north shore. We chose the same park as the one we and our friends had used for camping after graduation. We left my house pretty early. Kyle told me to get up at 7 AM which is usually always around the time that we get up when we have plans to do things like this. I packed more clothes than I needed and definitely made sure there were enough capri suns in the cooler to get us through. I made 2 egg sandwiches for us, courtesy of Kyle for teaching me how to cook them in the first place. We loaded up the car and we were off. As soon as we started driving, good music was instantly blasting and all of the windows were down. One of the things I love most about doing these types of things, or anything really for that matter with Kyle is that it's never boring. Everything always feels exciting and he's always keeping me on my toes. I don't think I could ever get tired of him even if I wanted to.
   We headed out to Orient Point, which is basically like "the Montauk of the North Shore" in Kyle's words. The drive itself out there was incredible. I'm so used to being at the ocean that I forget how many farms and open grasslands are on LI as well. It gives you a totally different feel of the island. I couldn't get over how great it felt to basically be submerged in fields of grass and flowers. We took a road into Orient and all of a sudden there was a street sign saying that the road was going to end, so we parked, got out of the car, and walked along the shore to the very tip where the water met the land instead of finding another road to get to it. We got to the very point and sat on the rocks. In front of us was a short, stubby lighthouse sitting on top of a rock in the middle of the water. We set up the self timer on my camera and took a picture of us looking really goofy and especially touristy (yes, we're those people).

   When leaving Orient, we decided to look for somewhere to eat. I'm not really familiar at all with that part of the island so we agreed to just drive in the direction to Wildwood until we found something. It was around noon by then, and since Kyle loves to use Siri, he started talking into his phone asking about breakfast and lunch restaurants near us. In the middle of his sentence, we passed an adorable looking restaurant on our left that literally said "Breakfast and Lunch" on the sign. We made a U-turn and parked into the restaurants parking lot and when I tell you that it was the cutest little place I've ever seen, I mean it. The place is called Erik's and from the help of Snapchat's geotags it said that we were in Southold. Everything was priced pretty fairly and the whole atmosphere just felt so welcoming. So, if you're ever anywhere around there whether it be Southold or Greenport or anywhere else remotely close, I highly recommend going!! We ordered our food at the front and then got to choose where we wanted to sit and got our meals served to us. We sat out on the covered porch that had vines of flowers surrounding the whole deck and precious little succulents in pots at each table. I instantly fell in love with the place and the food was amazing. The waiter was super friendly and I overheard him telling another customer that mostly all of the products they use are local. It's awesome to think that the island can produce so much. Driving past there and coming across it was a complete coincidence, but i'm so glad we found it!!

   We started to head over to the camp around 1 PM and while driving down a long road I looked to my left and saw my absolute dream house. After passing it I thought about it for a good couple of seconds and asked Kyle if he could turn the car around just because I needed to get a few pictures of it so God damn bad. You can't tell from any of the pictures I got, but behind the house was an incredible view of the Sound. I can only imagine how awesome it must be to live there. Just thought I'd share that part of the trip as well!! (p.s. hope no one thinks i'm creepy for taking these haha..but if you do I really don't care)

   Just a little warning for anyone who plans to camp at Wildwood, you need a 21 year old (or older) to sign you in so you're able to camp!! Kyle's mom was a real trooper and came out to sign us up. I love Kyle's mom and the type of woman she is. She's loving and is so genuine in the words she speaks. I've never doubted the advice she's given me and she especially makes me realize where Kyle gets his whole heartedness from. Kyle and I picked out E29 as our campground, mostly because we were in that area the last time we camped there and although it's a bit of a more confusing drive, it's the section that's farthest away from all of the other ones so that's always nice. To camp for 2 nights or more you have to call up and make reservations or do it online. Since we were only staying one night, we just had to show up and you book a site right there on the spot. We got to our camp site and Kyle instantly started setting up the tent. When we were mostly settled in we went to the beach that's next to the camp but doesn't belong to it. So basically that means you don't have to be camping at Wildwood to go to the beach. We went into the water and used to swimming mask I brought and looked like total nerds diving into the water and looking at all of the tiny fishes swimming at the bottom near our feet. Don't get me wrong, I love the North Shore and how beautiful and calm it is, but i'll always have a special place in my heart for the south shore and its waves and exciting feel. It was awesome just hanging out and knowing that we had no responsibilities for the next 24 hours. It was like our own little getaway for a while. Kyle led me through this trail he'd taken once before that took us to an overlook of the Sound. It looked completely different and so much bigger from a higher level than how it looks when you're sitting on the sand near the shore. Looking at all of the blue water and just taking in all of the naturalness of it was something nothing else can really beat. Most people don't realize that living on LI may be the most beautiful scenery they encounter for the rest of their lives. There's so much raw beauty surrounding us on this island that it's nearly insane. I feel bad for the people who don't take their time adventuring just some of the cracks and crevasses of this place and discover what living here is truly all about. Sitting by the fire once it got darker outside and just enjoying each others company was the best part. It's awesome to have the person you laugh until you cry with be the same person that you kiss goodnight. I never have to try to be anyone i'm not, or even try for that matter. I'm completely myself around Kyle and to know that he loves me for who I am is the greatest gift I could ever receive. Doing things like this with him makes me realize that I have someone who is truly just so special. Kyle is the type of guy that any girl would be lucky to have, and the fact that he's mine sometimes makes me stop in my tracks for a bit and just go over again and again in my head how I managed to win so big. It's no question at all that Kyle and I were meant to be together to do spontaneous things like this and make each others lives a little more exciting. Loving him is always the easiest thing to do. Considering Kyle is so good in the outdoors and is able to always make me feel safe, we'll definitely start making this more of a tradition i'm sure. The only thing we have to remember to not do next time is leaving our food out on the picnic table, considering we woke up to wrappers and empty boxes all over the place. Being able to experience something like this was once beyond my wildest dreams. I really never thought I'd have such a lively relationship at my age. The photos only capture half of the beauty that it was, the rest of it was something you just have to feel for yourself in person.

   

      Of course the next day (which is today) after cleaning up and leaving the camp ground we just had to drive over to Robert Moses. Before going to the beach, Kyle and I usually always go to the deli and get breakfast. Let's be real here, deciding between a bagel and an egg sandwich is one of the ultimate struggles that all Long Islanders face. I started to get some really awful sunburn on my face that would burn and peel just to get burnt again and that went on for mostly all of summer. I decided to take a break from the beach for a week to let my skin recover. Doesn't seem that long to some people, but to me a week away from the beach feels like a year. Considering having sun withdrawals and what appears in my eyes as pale skin, it felt amazing to be near the ocean again. Overall these past 2 days were some of the best I've had all summer, and that's saying quite a lot keeping in mind that his has been my favorite summer yet. And I'm especially glad that I've been able to document some of the highlights and share my experiences through this blog. After the past couple of events that have taken place I can definitely say that life is good.

Dreams of Being Published

   I've been thinking a lot recently about what it would've been like to have grown up anywhere besides here. Nothing about my life would be what it is now. My experiences, my memories, all of the faces i'm familiar with...everything would be completely different. I'm one of the lucky people who loved growing up where they did, and so much that I never want to move away. As much as I want to travel and see new things, I hope to always call Long Island my home base. While driving around on a normal day I point particular areas out and can recall a great memory that happened there, or maybe a not so great one. The love and strength I have embraced from being raised on LI are aspects of me that I try to shed light on in my everyday life. I'm so very passionate about where I live and I think that's what makes me so content with my life. Fulfillment begins with your surroundings. If you're not comfortable with where you are, not many things in your life will feel right. Throughout the course of 2015 I thought I was obligated to go away to college because, well, all of my friends were so why not? I thought I was doing what would make me happy, but all of a sudden I came to the realization that there's no way I'd be able to survive happily anywhere else but where I am right now. That's when I started to focus on how I could make life as a stay at home college student on LI way more interesting than anyone has ever seen.
   As you can probably tell i'm super into getting my thoughts and words out into the public. My big plan is to hopefully launch a life style magazine about LI and not only my life, but other lives that I come across as well. I would like to travel all around the island while picking up stories from individuals who have some interesting tales to tell. With beginning a project like this comes a lot of stress with money funds sooo I haven't really figured all of that out yet but i'm getting there. I'm super excited for these big dreams to hopefully take off sometime within the next year. I plan to give away copies for free at first and then continue on from there with the money situation. It's all still just a glisten in my eye but i'm definitely brain storming. I'm totally excited for this big step i'm about to take!

9 Months Say Whaaat?

   Due to being so caught up in summer lately, I really haven't had the chance to post too much. But i'm always thinking of words in my head to say for the next time I do! I've been running around a lot lately with a lot of chaos in my life but I'm enjoying it completely. Kyle finally got a new car that he worked to buy all by himself. The 2002 Subaru Forester was running awesome until he and I were driving it on Sunrise Highway and started to see smoke coming from the back. OF COUUURSE this would happen like a week after getting it. The car passed inspection so I really didn't understand what could've been wrong. His dad came to our rescue and checked it out, I also got to take a back seat ride in his Ford Bronco which was totally sick.
   In other awesome news, today's 9 months Kyle and I have been together! It's been quite the ride, doing all of the crazy things we've done. I remember when we first started getting to know each other this past October, I had already been in past relationships and spent just about all of high school being with a guy. So meeting Kyle didn't scare me at all. I thought I had it all down and I had nothing to be nervous about because I knew what I was doing. But once we started to hangout, I felt butterflies in my stomach just about every second. My mind was racing and I had the constant thought to "play it cool", whatever that means. For the first time I was actually anxious about a guy, and it didn't make any sense to me. The first time we hung out he put his hand on my lap and my head started spinning as I said to myself in my thoughts "he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't like me!!!". That same night we walked around and talked about so many things. Looking back, I feel like I wasn't able to keep my mouth shut. I can't remember whether I was that nervous or if I was just so excited to tell him about my life. Probably a little bit of both. We sat at a playground and both looked up at the sky, and when we started to talk about the stars I knew right in that moment that this person was about to change my life. And he did.
   To me, love is all about understanding. It's about listening to opposite opinions even when you don't agree and not only loving that person for who they are, but accepting them for what they aren't. It's definitely not always sunshine and rainbows being in a relationship, especially if you're in love with them. That doesn't seem to make much sense, but when you're with someone who you whole-heartedly love and the odds are sometimes against you, things can get difficult pretty easily. Sometimes I tell myself that Kyle doesn't actually love me as much as he claims to and I start to feel really down on myself. I think about how easy it might be for him to find someone else who can fit him better than I can. All of these feelings are perfectly normal. It's hard to not feel like you're in a competition when you have an opponent count of 7,125 billion. Even with all of the reassurance in the world it can be tough to shake those thoughts. Sometimes love is really, really hard. Once in a while it's hard to listen to those opinions you don't quite agree with, or understand that when it comes down to it, you can't change a person. But I guess when you're willing to hold onto that person for forever, it's always worth it.
   Kyle is totally different from any other guy I've ever met. He completely changed the game. If there's ever another girl walking past him, he always looks back to me, as if he wouldn't want to put his eyes on anyone else. I'm a firm believer in the saying "money can't buy happiness", but I must admit the bouquets of flowers I get sometimes are awesome. I could definitely learn to live normally without Kyle, but why would I ever want to do that? He's taught me more about love than anyone ever has, and if that's not something worth keeping around then I have no idea what is. I got very, very lucky when it comes to my relationship. Just the other day Kyle said how he went into this year not wanting a girlfriend. We talk about the beginning of our relationship and our "talking stage" all of the time, and we always laugh and smile about how fresh and nerve racking everything was. I remember after only a few times of hanging out I could barely take how attractive I thought he was. Something just kept pulling me closer and closer to him. He's definitely one of the best decisions I've ever made.
   Dating Kyle has made me realize that there honestly is someone for everyone. Even with my baggage, my emotional side, and my every-so-often whining fits, he loves me unconditionally. But it feels pretty easy to do when that person is that important to you. Being able to share experiences like watching the sunset, yawning before the sunrise, jumping in the ocean even when it's too cold, and taking drives with the windows down and music blasting are things I could never enjoy as much with anyone else. I'm always so beyond grateful for my Kyle. There's no doubt in my mind that it'll always be him. I love him, I love him, I love him.