So as I was driving to work earlier today (I probably should've been more focused on driving but whatever) I got into a really deep thought about how much I've changed as a person from last summer around this time to now. For so much of high school I was so anxious and terrified to live. For me everything was always worst case scenario, and it held me back from doing a lot of things I should've. I would cry at the thought of driving and having to navigate a car, and being that it was always one of my biggest fears I got my permit and license a year later than most of my friends. Things like that strapped me down and kept me away from the potential that I had. Last summer I decided to not be the "scared girl" anymore. I was so sick of hearing "stop being so scared, Maddy" or "live a little!!!". For my first half of high school I was able to hold down a relationship with a boy that I very much believe I loved at the time, but I was also 15-nearly 17. It was difficult, trying to keep such a mature thing in your life at a young age. I could've sworn it was love, and there's a big possibility that it was, but a very premature one at that. But it familiarized me with the opposite sex and was one thing that I had confidence in. I knew I could keep a conversation flowing easily with a guy, which is something a lot of my girl friends struggled with and would come to me for advice with. I'd always get the infamous question "what do I even say back to him?!?!", and somehow I always had an answer. I took that to my greatest advantage once I became single and when I also tried my hardest to not be such a "scaredy cat". I went through guys easily, knowing that I wanted love and intimacy but never being able to experience it with the right guy. I looked for love in places I knew deep down I wouldn't find it, but I still persistently searched and searched. I've definitely made some poor decisions in my past as a teenager. I can recall last summer as "one big blur". I made a fair amount of mistakes and hid a lot from my loved ones, mostly because I just didn't want them to be concerned. Typically, not many teenagers, or people in general for that matter, go straight up to the people they know care about them and say "hey, I've made some pretty poor choices and are still continuing to make them; let me tell you all about them". It's just how it goes, we want to protect the ones we love from being worried about us, and knowing that you've disappointed them definitely makes its way into the "top 5 worst feelings" category. We're human, it's cool. We do stupid shit every so often. But I started to use that excuse more than usual. It turned into an everyday thing that i'd say "whatever, i'm just a teenager", but that excuse only justifies so much for so long, and when I looked at the big picture, "every so often" warped itself into everyday. So, I made my dumb mistakes. I hid things and snuck around and showed immaturity in its clearest and purest form. I told myself everyday that it wasn't because my dad was sick and I just wanted to have fun. I still don't really believe it was solely because of what had been happening with my dad but maybe someday i'll wake up someday and realize it was. Or maybe I already have. Am I contradicting myself??
Last summer I dyed my hair red and really tried to play off the "bad girl" look. I really tried my hardest to look super tough and fearful of nothing. Maybe I was terrified out of my mind and I just didn't want to show it. Wear whatever you want and if you think you look good, you look good. But how I presented myself was just trashy. There's no sugar coating it. I just had a really bad image to people who didn't know me. I did everything and anything I wanted and knew no one could stop me. I knew a lot of my friends were concerned but didn't want to be a buzzkill. I ruined myself in a lot of ways I should've never even gotten myself into. I wanted to be fearless, but in the scheme of things not being frightened by anything is what kills you. It's that small gut feeling or that annoying, frequent voice in your head telling you to go right instead of left; that's what keeps you alive.
I guess you could call it my "rough phase" of high school, and indeed it was exactly that. And looking back, all I can say to myself it "...what??". Somewhere down the road within this past year I changed my ways because, well, who would ever want to live that way? I'm back to being that anxious, nervous girl but I've learned how to ignore the bothersome thoughts a little easier. It's pretty easy to be careless and incautious, and I could swear to you for a while you'll feel like you're having the time of your life and you wont want to live any other way. But it gets old, and eventually it hits you that being stupid with your actions brings you no where but down. I lost myself for a little bit and was mistaken that that was who I was really supposed to be. I would always say in my thoughts "why didn't I turn into this sooner?!". Then reality smacked me straight in the face and I got a grip, picked up what was important in my life, moved on and left behind anything toxic. I'm happy to be in the place that i'm at, and this time I hope it's not just a phase. Be careful and mindful of your actions, don't get too ahead of yourself, and take it from someone who has fell for what felt like millions of feet till they crashed onto rock bottom, getting yourself into danger for the thrill of it is as uncool as it gets.
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