The Touchy Untouched Topic

   Within recent months I've started to learn so much more than I have basically all of high school. As most of you know, the last 2 or so years have been pretty rough for me to get through and the past couple of months have been especially difficult. For being so extremely common, I feel that mental illness is something that is rarely talked about, and when it is it isn't always taken as seriously as a physical illness would. It's no doubt that the mind and body are connected, and when one isn't feeling well the other balances out the negativity and trails along. Mental illness isn't something that should be tucked away into the darkness or swept under the rug as if it's just something that'll eventually go away after ignoring it for a while. I have realized a lot about myself recently and other people as well, and how reactions to mental illness can either make or break someone.
   For me personally, I began to realize that there was something "different" about my mentality once I began to have suicidal thoughts and view it as an escape more than anything else. I didn't have these thoughts because I was unhappy with my appearance or even so much my life in general. A big part of me had learned to accept that once my dad passed away my life was going to be extremely different from my friends' and a lot of other people around me. I sort of started to give up on things, and I think what really set me over the edge was my fear of tragedy. I felt that I could never bare to see another one of my loved ones become hurt or pass away. I started to become scared of life in general, as if everything would end in the worst case scenario and I would end up losing someone I loved again. I couldn't even think about how I'd possibly ever manage to survive losing someone ever again after losing my dad, so suicide started to look more appealing. It was like an escape plan, sort of like running away from home except it was much more severe. And sadly enough to say, I didn't mind the thoughts being there really. Sometimes I felt that I deserved to feel so down (for whatever reason) and that I was never meant to feel genuine happiness ever again. This is when I knew something was seriously, dangerously wrong and things would become ugly pretty fast if actions weren't taken. In today's time, just a few months later, I am doing exceptionally better. After reaching out to professional help, which I absolutely REFUSED to do at first, I've seen so many positive impacts in my life. Mental illness is constantly looking for prey to attack and will pounce when you are at your weakest. Sometimes it still chooses to make that surprise attack on me, and there's really no avoiding it but i'm glad that I've grown the courage to not only face the issue but trust my problems with a professional.
   While going through this time of my life I've realized that people's reactions can often make things worse. It's not so much that they don't care or don't want to help, but often that they just don't know the right thing to say; and more than most likely in certain situations, there isn't a right thing to say. As my dad was passing away and after it happened, I felt so much support from friends and peers and even people who I had never talked to, and as the tragedy became old news, I saw more people care less and less about the situation. I took this so personally and couldn't help but think that first off, these people weren't actually my friends, and second off, they were supportive for the mere fact of feeling like better people. Although these analogies could be 100% true, I never really took the time to think about how maybe they did not even think to check up on me or continue being supportive simply because their minds didn't think to do so being that they hadn't been in my place. It can be really hard being friends with people who haven't gone through the same things you have because they may just be unaware of how to act. And it's not even necessarily their fault, they just don't know how it feels to be in someone else's shoes or don't take a moment to look at the situation from the opposing perspective. Hearing things like "stay strong" or "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" always pissed me off so bad, and still kind of does. I became so bitter over not hearing my loved ones say what I wanted them to say, and that helped ruin me along with the mental illness tearing me down. I just want to let anyone know who is reading this, if you can relate to anything I've said so far whether it be viewing suicide as an escape or feeling angry towards peoples reactions, it is 100% normal!! Our emotions as humans are completely unavoidable pretty much, and anyone who tells you that you are selfish or sound like an idiot for feeling this way is pretty much clueless on the human mind to say the least. A person who is suffering from a mental disease thinks irrationally and illogically, which is why it's even called a mental disease in the first place. Unfortunately, these irrational and illogical thoughts make sense in the mind of someone who is depressed. It is crucial to know that not only are you never alone while feeling like this, but you are not the only one in the world who has these thoughts, and it is not weird, unnatural, or something to be embarrassed of.
   So, to all of my friends out there reading this, I hope I've been able to educate you further from both sides of the situation. If you have a loved one suffering from these sort of problems, the most effective way to help is to understand and comfort rather than making them feel like they're out of their minds. And for those of you who are on the other side of the fence and have had or currently have similar feelings as I do, I'm cheering you on with everything I have to keep on moving forward.

Don't Eat The Turkey!!!!

   So, I should probably start off by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! I've always loved Thanksgiving because first of all, THE FOOD, but second, I love seeing my family gather around and be kind and happy, even if all of the members aren't physically there. I understand how difficult this time of year can be, or how overwhelmingly happy it can be. It's honestly a hit or miss a majority of the time. Money gets tight with buying others presents and sometimes everything can just get really, really stressful, and for me personally having overplayed Christmas music constantly blasting in my ears doesn't always help. Call me a Scrooge all you will, I just can see the point of view where Christmas isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I'm trying to not let these negative feelings get the best of me, and I hope I can do my best to get through the holiday season!!
   For those of you out there who are celebrating the holiday season without their loved ones for whatever reason, I'm hoping that you try to your best ability to find the brightest light in the situation. I'm starting to finally understand why the holiday season can become depressing pretty damn fast. I woke up this morning playing my dad's voice over and over again in my head. It's like I have him saying "Happy Thanksgiving!!" down pat in my mind. I didn't really start feeling the weight of the holidays until his loss, and boy, do I have to say it truly is difficult. I know today I'll be thinking about him a lot and imagining what life would be like if he were still here. I'll alsoooo be eating lots and lots of delish vegan Thanksgiving food! (Give Turkeys a reason to be thankful and don't eat 'em! They're very intelligent creatures who don't deserve to be the center of a dinner table!)
   Last year's Thankgiving was the first time Kyle ever said 'I love you' to me and I'm more than happy to be able to say that the feelings have stayed just the same. I love having him around this time of year, because with his support and love just about any bad or sad situation can become better. Tell all of your loved ones just how much you love and appreciate them today and everyday! I promise you there are only limited amount of times you can share your feelings with someone before time is up, so don't be ashamed or scared to. Both kindness and genuine love go miles and miles far, especially during the holiday season. I hope you all enjoy today and make the best out of it despite the situation you may be in. I know it might be difficult but there are people out there, like me, who understand your feelings and are rooting for you to smile. Working at a grocery store for the past 2 years has been the biggest headache of my life, but this past week working there has made me a little more grateful for the human population. Wishing each customer a Happy Thanksgiving at the end of each transaction brought both big and somewhat surprised smiles to their faces. Even with all of the baggage I'm feeling in my life at the moment, I'm doing my best to pay kindness forward to people. I hope this gives some of you that 'push' to do the same! Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends out there! Eat lots of [animal free ;)] food this Thanksgiving!! I am sooo very thankful for all the people who take the time to read these and give me positive feedback. Enjoy your day everyone!

Milestones and Cool Art

   The past week or so has been filled with good energy. Being that last weekend was Halloween, Kyle and I decided to dress up as Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain only to already knock out on my couch before it even reached 12 AM. I'm starting to really embrace what autumn is all about, and this time of year holds a lot of my heart. From my dad's birthday being on October 24th, to Halloween (which was his favorite holiday) it's been pretty hard to not get caught up in my emotions. With all of the chaos of my house being on the market it's become a little more difficult to find the calmness in me, which is something I need to work on.
   A few days ago (November 5th) was at last, me and Kyle's one year anniversary!! I know everyone always says "it doesn't even feel like it's been one year!!!!" and as commonly said as it is, it's totally true. I can't really decide if it's felt like just a few months or years being his girlfriend. It feels great to know that we've been together for a year and have already made as close of a bond as we have. If I could explain how incredible our relationship is I would have no clue where to start. I could begin with how down to earth and caring Kyle is or how attracted I am to him, but even those don't even explain the half of it. Our relationship thrives off of something much deeper and bigger than the both of us, and I have no clue where the fire in our hearts for each other lives but I know it is there. The only logical explanation for this feeling it that it truly was just meant to be for us. All of the moments we've shared together are so unique and like nothing I've ever heard before. Big changes are going to be made sooner or later as the two of us mature. We have grown up so much since we first started dating and I can only imagine where we will be in our lives a year from now. I'm looking so forward to every memory we'll make in this upcoming year, and I know that they'll all make great stories to tell one day.
   Last night (November 7th) Kyle and I, along with dozens of handfuls of others, headed over to Patchogue at Sketchbook Studio to look at some of a local artists' work. Allie Hallock, an INCREDIBLY talented artist drew a picture of Kyle and I that I believe I'll always carry with me in my mind. All of her work was so beautifully done with the perfect amount of color and I couldn't be any happier for her that she's getting the attention that she deserves. If you're interested in checking her out I 100% recommend it. Her instagram page is @alexandrahallock, and trust me when I say that you'll be astonished when you see such talent coming from this girl. People like her give me more hope for what our generations' future holds. While at the art show it almost felt like my dad was with me in some sense being that he was an artist. It instantly brought me back to the time of my life when he was still alive and making art, and how close he held all of his work to his heart. The past few days have been totally great, and although there are still a few bumps in the road I'm trying my best to get back to myself again to say the least. I also finally went to the beach earlier during the day yesterday which definitely helped me to feel a little more balanced and at peace with my life. I'm hoping and praying that November is kind to me and brings me the happiness that I need in my life.