Within recent months I've started to learn so much more than I have basically all of high school. As most of you know, the last 2 or so years have been pretty rough for me to get through and the past couple of months have been especially difficult. For being so extremely common, I feel that mental illness is something that is rarely talked about, and when it is it isn't always taken as seriously as a physical illness would. It's no doubt that the mind and body are connected, and when one isn't feeling well the other balances out the negativity and trails along. Mental illness isn't something that should be tucked away into the darkness or swept under the rug as if it's just something that'll eventually go away after ignoring it for a while. I have realized a lot about myself recently and other people as well, and how reactions to mental illness can either make or break someone.
For me personally, I began to realize that there was something "different" about my mentality once I began to have suicidal thoughts and view it as an escape more than anything else. I didn't have these thoughts because I was unhappy with my appearance or even so much my life in general. A big part of me had learned to accept that once my dad passed away my life was going to be extremely different from my friends' and a lot of other people around me. I sort of started to give up on things, and I think what really set me over the edge was my fear of tragedy. I felt that I could never bare to see another one of my loved ones become hurt or pass away. I started to become scared of life in general, as if everything would end in the worst case scenario and I would end up losing someone I loved again. I couldn't even think about how I'd possibly ever manage to survive losing someone ever again after losing my dad, so suicide started to look more appealing. It was like an escape plan, sort of like running away from home except it was much more severe. And sadly enough to say, I didn't mind the thoughts being there really. Sometimes I felt that I deserved to feel so down (for whatever reason) and that I was never meant to feel genuine happiness ever again. This is when I knew something was seriously, dangerously wrong and things would become ugly pretty fast if actions weren't taken. In today's time, just a few months later, I am doing exceptionally better. After reaching out to professional help, which I absolutely REFUSED to do at first, I've seen so many positive impacts in my life. Mental illness is constantly looking for prey to attack and will pounce when you are at your weakest. Sometimes it still chooses to make that surprise attack on me, and there's really no avoiding it but i'm glad that I've grown the courage to not only face the issue but trust my problems with a professional.
While going through this time of my life I've realized that people's reactions can often make things worse. It's not so much that they don't care or don't want to help, but often that they just don't know the right thing to say; and more than most likely in certain situations, there isn't a right thing to say. As my dad was passing away and after it happened, I felt so much support from friends and peers and even people who I had never talked to, and as the tragedy became old news, I saw more people care less and less about the situation. I took this so personally and couldn't help but think that first off, these people weren't actually my friends, and second off, they were supportive for the mere fact of feeling like better people. Although these analogies could be 100% true, I never really took the time to think about how maybe they did not even think to check up on me or continue being supportive simply because their minds didn't think to do so being that they hadn't been in my place. It can be really hard being friends with people who haven't gone through the same things you have because they may just be unaware of how to act. And it's not even necessarily their fault, they just don't know how it feels to be in someone else's shoes or don't take a moment to look at the situation from the opposing perspective. Hearing things like "stay strong" or "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" always pissed me off so bad, and still kind of does. I became so bitter over not hearing my loved ones say what I wanted them to say, and that helped ruin me along with the mental illness tearing me down. I just want to let anyone know who is reading this, if you can relate to anything I've said so far whether it be viewing suicide as an escape or feeling angry towards peoples reactions, it is 100% normal!! Our emotions as humans are completely unavoidable pretty much, and anyone who tells you that you are selfish or sound like an idiot for feeling this way is pretty much clueless on the human mind to say the least. A person who is suffering from a mental disease thinks irrationally and illogically, which is why it's even called a mental disease in the first place. Unfortunately, these irrational and illogical thoughts make sense in the mind of someone who is depressed. It is crucial to know that not only are you never alone while feeling like this, but you are not the only one in the world who has these thoughts, and it is not weird, unnatural, or something to be embarrassed of.
So, to all of my friends out there reading this, I hope I've been able to educate you further from both sides of the situation. If you have a loved one suffering from these sort of problems, the most effective way to help is to understand and comfort rather than making them feel like they're out of their minds. And for those of you who are on the other side of the fence and have had or currently have similar feelings as I do, I'm cheering you on with everything I have to keep on moving forward.
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